Happy 17th Livvy xxx

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Today my daughter celebrates her 17th birthday, a birthday of pending adulthood the beginning of life on the road. Yet there will be no licence applied for or birthday hugs for me. Because my daughter is celebrating in heaven.

My heart is heavy today, the weight of missing drags upon it. 

I’m reminded of what is missed and what never got to be.

I’m trying so hard to focus on what we did and the memories we made, but 9 years will simply never be enough. 

I wonder what celebrations are like in heaven, do they have birthdays or is time and years past an earthly constraint? 

I wonder if someone has made her a cake, chocolate of course and are they singing her happy birthday again and again just to see the smile that lights up her face. Lights up your heart.

I wonder a lot, what does she look like, would her hair still curl around my finger? Does her blue eyes still sparkle with mischief? 

Sometimes I cannot breathe for missing my beautiful girl. My arms ache just to hold her again.

I often get lost in the anger, just so angry that I was robbed of my amazing girl. Bitter at the emptiness. 

But then I remember her, I remember my Livvy and her desire to live life to the max. Sometimes I wonder if she knew that she didn’t have forever because she packed so much in her days.

She loved people wholeheartedly, from her teachers to her sisters to us her parents. She has this way of making you feel like you were the only one in the room, as if you were so special to her. She made sure you knew she loved you. She didn’t need words her eyes were the windows to her soul, she looked deep inside of you, filling you with love. 

I am so grateful I got to be Livvy’s mom, I wouldn’t trade a moment, a minute. Even today in the minute of this extreme pain i know I would do it all again in a heartbeat. 

Yet today I’m allowing myself to be sad, allowing the waves of grief to wash over me. Allowing the missing to be.

But tomorrow I will move on, I will do what she wants me to do. Continuing her legacy of love. I will love on her sisters and the brothers she has sent to us to love. I will plan the Livvy’s smile events, our forthcoming tea party and those yet to be planned. I will continue on, being brave just as she was. Hoping and praying I’m making her proud.

Happy birthday my beautiful girl, how I wish you were here to celebrate with me. How I wish we could eat chocolate cake until we were both sick. How I wish, how I wish….

  
Happy 17th Livvy, may heaven be singing for you today. I love you my precious girl xxxxx

  

Countdown to 40

40

 

I realised last night that in under a month I turn 40. This is a major milestone in my life but one I am so excited for.

Growing up I remember thinking 40 was really old, I mean it seemed that my mom was 32 forever so I was sure I would stay this way. Yet time has moved on and I have been slowly creeping towards this age.

I remember when I turned 30 I was really freaked by it all, I didn’t feel ready to be 30 years old I was uncomfortable and not happy in my own skin. Life wasn’t easy and I had just started to show signs of the illness that changed my life. I look back to those days when I was chasing after 4 children under 10 and teaching dance. I remember just not feeling complete as if I wasn’t living life to the full.

Fast forward the last ten years and my goodness a crazy amount has happened. I have walked through some of the darkest moments of my life. My heart has been broken, tore up into millions of pieces and then trodden on. I never imagined at 30 that I would have to bury a child let alone two. I would have never been able to comprehend surviving the loss of my daughter and my foster son. Never in a million years. Yet somehow I have survived, my heart may never be complete but it is learning to love on, learning to beat strongly again and I am learning to live life to the full again.

I know deep down that 40 isn’t really a special age. I mean I preach often about celebrating every day we have here, but still I am rather excited for the day.

This may sound big headed but I like who I see in the mirror now. I may not be a dance teacher or able to fit my bum into a size 12 but I truly love my body and I’m so grateful to it. It has given me four amazing girls, completely different, independent ,inspirational girls. It allows me to foster two truly awesome boys, each a blessing in their own special way. My body may be a little battle worn but it’s not been beaten and I am so thankful for this.

I look back to the person I was 10 years ago and I know I have been on a journey. I use the term “self discovery” loosely  as is the only way to get close to describing  the transformation I feel I have faced.

I love who I am (yes I may have said that before) but I seriously do. I love my emotional side, no more will I apologise for my random tears or unexpected hugs. I’m empathic and I care and this is something I am proud of now. No more calling myself soppy and pathetic, I actually rock.

I love my courage, I am more willing to put myself out into the danger zone, being vulnerable, feeling scared but still moving forward.

I love my brain, it’s ok that I am a little geeky at times, that sometimes the idea of a good book wins against a movie or a night out. That I appreciate my own company and yes at times I get lost in my own mind.

I love myself and I love my life.

As I head towards this birthday milestone I do so with so much gratitude.

Over the last years I have had people walk into my life that have blessed me in so many ways. Friends that love me for me, deep true friendships that can pick up after a time apart just where we left off. Friends I can laugh with, friends I have cried on. I am so grateful for each and every one of them.

I am so thankful for my family, my daughters and my sons each so unique and so beautiful. Getting to watch them grow and learn and experience life is such a wonder, such a gift. My Dad, my Step Mom, my inlaws, my aunts, uncles, cousins, relantionships that I truly value and people I truly love.

My husband, I am completely in love with this crazy man, after nearly 20 years of marriage I still get that flutter in my heart when he walks into a room. He makes me laugh, he drives me insane, but he truly is my soul mate.

I am so thankful that I miss my Livvy, because missing someone is the recognition of an amazing love, a truly unbroken bond. My girl and I will be together again one day, but until then I am going to try and live as she did, fully and with all my heart.

So the count down to 40 begins and I’m so excited. I’m so ready to celebrate the 40 years I have been here with all my family and friends. An evening full of laughter, music and hopefully a gorgeous outfit.

Yet 40 is only the really the beginning, the start of a new stage in life, one I hope will be full of love and laughter and the people that really make my life truly amazing, my family and friends, because with them and because of them I actually love myself more at 40 then I ever did.

 

40 looking good

Birthday weekend

My baby turned 18 this weekend and to be honest I am still not ready to accept it.

It was weird actually knowing that my baby was out nightclubbing.

Having a few drinks and generally being a grown up.

I can see things are really going to change this year.

Late nights waiting up will turn in long goodbyes as she heads to university (fingers crossed).

Anyway right now I am just grateful that she had a wonderful coming of age weekend.

From nights of clubbing with friends to a family meal she was totally spoiled and thats the way it should be.

Hey you are only 18 once.

18th

Dear Kennedy

Dear Kennedy

My dearest first born I can’t believe that you are turning 18 today,

My beautiful girl is now an adult.

How scary is that?

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Yet while I am so proud of the woman you have become I would love to go back to the beginning and raise you all over again.

To the hourly feeds and nightly cuddles.

To the waking up to find you in our bed all snuggled up with your teddy beside you.

To the pretty dresses and impromptu dances in the street.

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The memories you have given me are beautifully wrapped up in my heart.

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Wow Kennedy this year is going to be a year of changes.

The big wide world awaits you as you head off to university later this year.

Following your dreams of becoming a teacher.

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I joke about how quiet the house will be but really I already ache for the missing that will come with your leaving.

Yet I am so excited for the adventures you are to have.

The friends you will meet, the things you will learn. 

The world is simply your oyster but never forget you are and always will be my precious pearl.

This will be a time of change and i accept that.

It’s hard to let go but remember wherever you go, whatever you need I will be here.

Being your mom doesn’t end when you become and adult.

My arms will always be open wide for you.

My heart full of love and fear for your future.

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I know at times we have clashed.

In fact at times you have drove me mad, but know this.

I so admire your drive and determination.

You have one of the strongest wills I know.

Stubborn as mule comes to mind. 

Stay strong but never forget it takes true courage to open your heart.

Love and laugh 

Be crazy and make those special memories.

Be brave and daring.

Be you 

Because you are simply the best daughter a mom could ever ask for. 

                 “Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” — Robert Browning

This says it all. 

Happy 18th to my amazing daughter.

I love you with all my heart.

Infinity x infinity 

Love you sweet baby girl to the moon stars and back again.

happy 18th kennedy

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen

Sixteen years ago I became a mom for the first time. After an eventful labour I was presented with a beautiful baby girl.

 

You were so cute, so chunky and looked like a boxer, it was easy to see  in your spirit that you were going to take on the world.

Sixteen years later you are a beautiful young lady, so determined and strong. You see what you want and you go for it so whole heartily.

 

This year especially has been one where you have really grown both in height (finally) and strength.

You have made me so proud the way you have studied hard for your GCSE’s preparing yourself,  devising your own study timetable and canceling nights out. So grown up, so incredible. Whatever the results I am so proud of you. 

 

Watching you change and find your own personality has been a blessing for me. 

 

Your voice is amazing and every time I hear you sing I get goosepumps, never stop using your voice it a gift that needs to be shared.

 

 

 

Sometimes I miss the days when you were little you were my shadow and I loved it. I’m slowly learning to let go a little at a time. Hey I’m even getting used to the fact you have a boyfriend!

 

You may be celebrating your 16th today, but never forget you will always be my baby. My first born, my KK.

 

Happy Birthday sweet sixteen Kennedy.

 

 

Wishing you a life time full of love and happiness and never give up on your dreams as Dad and I are right behind you all the way.

 

 

 

 

P.S When did i get old enough to have a sixteen year old daughter.