I’m not sure I want to go

As this post goes live I’m packing up to go on holiday. I should be excited but I’m scared stiff. The last two years I have booked to go camping with a great group of people from a charity called Special Kids in The UK but besides the booking I never actually made it to the campsite.

Why you may ask? It’s simple the last time we went camping with this group I had a blonde haired Tinkerbell escaping my tent. Yes Livvy was with us still.

The concept of going to the camp without her makes me actually feel ill with nerves.

I don’t know why it’s so bad, I’ve camped since Livvy’s death. I’ve actually met some of the group too. So why is the concept of this camp trip leaving me filled with fear.

I have no answers grief is a funny thing. One day I understand the next I don’t.

Memories are both a wonderful and painful reminder.

I know I’m going to be surrounded by people who care who understand. Yet I’m still scared of holding my emotions in check. I confess I’ve been struggling lately.

Who said time makes it easier spoke a complete load of tosh. Each day that passes Is a day without my darling daughter and I hate it with a vengeance.

I’m sure my holiday will be great. I’m sure I will make some wonderful new memories with my girls. But a piece of me will always be missing, a part of my heart is in heaven. Never to be complete until I get to hold my daughter in my arms again.

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Kicked off the campsite

I’m lying here in the caravan listening to silence around me. I’m not sure how to feel. Today has been an amazing day, such wonderful memories made. Yet as the day draws to a end I’m transported back a few years. To a rain drenched field and a tent blustering in the wind and two cheeky young children laughing and giggling and keeping the whole campsite awake.

Both children have now passed. My daughter Livvy and our dear Ryan. So very young, taken far to early. So dearly missed and forever grieved.

How is it possible to laugh and cry at the same time as I am now. As I get lost in the precious memories. Both Livvy and Ryan in separate tents causing mayhem. The more we said be quiet the louder the laughter became. You wouldn’t believe two disabled children who looked like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths nearly got us kicked off the campsite.

Double trouble that’s for sure.

What would I give to hear their giggles again. To feel the infectious spirit upon my soul.

Time carries on but as I sit and listen to the silence I miss the past so much. Will life ever be the same again?

Life here without them Is hard but I do smile at the chaos they will be causing in heaven.

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