Hope in me.

I  am scared of Hope.

That crazy thing that stirs your soul,

That wondrous but frightening emotion that wont let you go.

Encouraging you to believe,

To trust in the future, in the plan.

I cannot hold on to hope the way I wish I could.

The fear of being let down, or broken promises hold my heart back.

I struggle to get excited, the what if’s or the maybe’s hold me hostage.

How I wish I could just embrace hope.

To just let the joy of expectation flow free in my heart.

Let the promise fill my soul.

 

How I wish I could just embrace this,

Scream out to the world my hopes, without fear of embarrassment if they fall through.

I hold tight to my dreams, lock them away in my heart, scared that they wont be.

I so admire those that can step out in faith loudly, as if they are shouting to the world this will be. I step out but I do it quietly, one foot forward but my heart is still holding back.

My friends tell me to believe, that all will be well and my heart it so desires to trust,

To find freedom in faith, in hope.

I know I’m a work in process, at least I’m acknowledging the fact that I need to move forward

To start my walk towards hope.

I so want to,

I want to free myself from the fear of the past and step out in the truth of the future.

It’s not easy, but as I work towards hope,

Maybe you can have hope in me.

My word for 2015

So as we start the new year I have been thinking a lot about the word I wish to lead me through the next 365 days.

The word that will represent all my hopes and prayers for 2015.

It isn’t easy finding one word which fits all your plans and ideas.

Still after thinking  hard for a while I am going to go with the word.

 

dream

2015 is going to be my year of dreams.

This is a big step out of the ordinary for me.

You see I have never really allowed myself to dream.

Broken promises, painful situations and a lot of disappointment made me believe that dreams were for others and not for me.

It was something I accepted as just life.

I could hope but I couldn’t dream.

I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day.

Of the children she would have or career she would achieve.

Anxiety and disbelief stole away my dreams.

I cannot get excited for an event or a holiday until I am actually there and as for promises, well maybe we shouldn’t go there.

But this year is going to be different.

I am going to allow myself to dream and I’m going to see my dreams fulfilled.

I am going to dream that I can and will achieve my goals.

I will attend university.

I will move forward with this blog.

I will further my writing career.

I will put myself forward more.

I will look in the mirror and like what i see.

I will believe in me.

2015 you are my year to dream.

Its scary but it’s time.

Woo Hoo I’m modelling at Style XL

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

 

This quote pretty much sums up the journey I have been on over the last 12 months.

For so long I have been searching for acceptance from others.

Trying to be the person I believed they wished me to be.

Struggling to be happy being someone I’m not.

It’s took me a long time to realise that the only acceptance I really need is from myself.

If I don’t love me how can I ask others too.

So this is my journey.

I’ve searched my heart to learn more about myself.

What I want in life?

What I want to achieve?

I’ve also had to learn to appreciate the body I have.

It may not be the body of my youth but it has birthed four amazing girls.

Suffered a major assault and now fights the effects of fibromyalgia and spine damage.

So in light of all this it is pretty amazing.

So on this body confidence note

I want to tell you about something I am doing in August.

It’s something I would have never imagined I would ever do again.

On August 2nd  I am modelling as part of a plus sized event called Style xL

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I will be strutting my stuff alongside some beautiful ladies.

I still can’t believe I’m doing this but I am super excited and I know it’s going to be an amazing day.

I am truly thrilled and can’t wait.

Style XL is going to be the Midlands first ever plus size fashion event and it’s going to be amazing.

Organised by Leleicious the event will showcase some of the Plus size brands that exist in the UK.

There will be the opportunity to view the latest trends coming for 2015 and maybe even purchase something awesome from the market stalls.

Showcasing their beautiful clothes are the brands

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I am so excited I could burst.

It’s going to be a fantastic event.

I know the beautiful Leah has been working so hard to create this awesome day.

Seriously it’s going to be a truly inspiring day.

Of course if you want to see me conquer my demons and walk that catwalk you do need to come along.

 

Tickets are on sale now.

 

PicMonkey Collagestyle xl

Running for our girls

I’m so excited and can’t wait to share this news with you all.

My late daughter Livvy has been chosen as one of the 195 girls to be honoured by Team Sparkle in the So Cal Ragnar Relay. 6 amazing women are running 195 miles for 195 girls with Rett Syndrome. “195 miles” that works out about 30- 35 miles each, can i just say OUCH.

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Livvy’s mile is number 171 and is being run by a Rett mama Allison Foley.

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As you can imagine I am super excited having Livvy honoured in this way it has certainly blessed my heart. But I’m also so happy to be part of this amazing fund-raising event dedicated to funding the research into curing the devastating condition Rett syndrome.

I am  seriously stoked to be part of this event.

So why am I telling you guys all this?

 Its simple I need your support.

I am hoping to raise $100 to support this amazing cause.

Help me, help Team Ragnar honour Livvy.

Seriously no donation is to small, it all goes to an amazing cause.

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Please check out Team Sparkle Facebook page and learn more about this amazing ladies.

Make a donation, please let them know its made in Livvy’s memory.

Also go check out Livvy’s Page over at Girl Power 2 cure, I am slightly bias about this charity as they have been strength to me in times of weakness and have given me comfort in times of sorrow. But more than that they give me opportunity to honour Livvy and to keep her memory alive by fighting alongside them against Rett syndrome.  To quote Kelly Butler from GP2C ” once a Rett mama always a Rett mama” I can’t tell you how much I needed those words.

So thats my exciting news for the day, lets support Team Sparkle as they support our girls.

Hope

I had a realisation last night that I had given up on hope.

Hope of peace, hope of friendship and so much more.

I finally understood what my husband had been saying when he tells me I have been holding people at arms length.

Scared to push forward.

I have held back from joining groups.

Stopped taking part.

Just digging deeper into myself.

I had let fear become greater than hope in my heart.

I can blame it on many reasons but i believe the main three to be

Fear of rejection and failure

Self confidence

Self punishment

I am so fearful I will get hurt again that I have closed of my heart.

Scared to live life openly and fully.

Self confidence, when you grow up never feeling good enough it’s a hard journey to get to a point when you can look in the mirror an say “believe”.

Self punishment – I have a lot of baggage here. From a wild youth of drinking, drugs to the blaming myself for losing Livvy. Second guessing decisions that wasn’t mine to make.

I had lost HOPE.

So today I am setting myself on a new path.

One where I start to believe again.

One where I start to trust again.

One where I start to hope again.

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Happy 18th

My youngest daughter often asks me if they have birthdays in heaven?

My reply is always “of course, they also get to eat a whole chocolate cake without being sick”.

I honestly believe that birthdays are celebrated in heaven, it’s not about getting older just a celebration of who the person is.

What I also believe is that for those that get left behind the celebrations should go on.

They we should be able to light candles and put up cards to send birthday wishes to heaven.

So that’s exactly what I’m going to do today.

I’m am sending heavenly birthday wishes to one very special young man.

Today he would have been stepping into adulthood.

Happy 18th birthday Ryan.

Always in our hearts.

Make sure Livvy doesn’t pinch your cake or your wine, we know she likes both.

Sending love to your beautiful family. Xxx

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My snow week

Wow, what a week, we’ve been snowed in, we have had autistic tantrums and teenage strops and somehow, I’m not sure how, I have managed to survive with my sanity intact.

Seriously who would have believed that fluffy white snow could bring a country to its knees?

I have to admit it’s made me cross, weather reporters have been harping on for years that our seasons were changing and we were going to see some extreme weather yet we were still unprepared. Isn’t it about time we chatted to our colder weather friends take Canada for example and got some tips on how to function in extreme snow. (Please note I use the word extreme rather loosely).

Snow is fun for the first few hours then it just becomes cold, wet and annoying. Also anything that closes the schools loses my votes.

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Talking of votes what a week, we have seen Celebrity Big Brother come to an end. What am I going to do each evening now, I need my Speidi fix. Though I do believe the right person won in the end, I hated Ryland in X factor but he has slowly grown on me from the big brother house. Also my youngest told me i looked like Claire from Steps but with black hair (i wish). To be honest I still cannot believe how addicted I found myself. I really think I need to get out more.

Its has been a strange week and I have found myself coming to a decision regarding how much I allow myself to be hurt by others. I have decided I need to take a step back and focus on my family and myself a little more.

I’ve also been at the doctors having an ECG done, it seems I do actually have a heart, now we have found it we simply need to get it to behave a little better. Its just wants to beat to its own drum upsetting the rest of my body. Dr is hoping its anxiety, me anxious never!

So there you go my exciting week, only been made easier by my new hobby BAKING, this week I have made a Vanilla and chocolate chip marble tray bake and a Victoria sponge and some Choc chip muffins oh and some custard too.

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I’m really enjoying my new hobby and love watching the family enjoy something I have baked. I confess to getting exciting looking at new mixers too and watching the Great British Bake Off. I did mention I may need to go out more.

Seriously it’s been a weird week, but as it comes to end I’m am grateful for so much, my hubby and my kids especially.

I hope and pray you all have had a good week and if not tomorrow is a new beginning, well that’s what I’m telling myself. Xxx