In the brokenness

On June 1, 2022June 1, 2022 By rebelwithkindnessIn Dear Daniel, grief, UncategorisedLeave a comment

I’ve never been one to follow the calendar. I often don’t know what day of the week it is let alone the date, this has especially been the case in the last two years due to shielding. I mean who cares what the date is, we aren’t going anywhere. Yet since Daniels death I have found myself coming slightly obsessed.

When April turned to May my heart was aching, a new month that Daniel won’t be part of and today we begin another month that won’t hold him in it, it’s so very hard and feels so wrong.

How do I do this life without my beautiful boy? I really feel the need for direction. Nothing makes sense , the things I loved are now too different without my son. Alan suggested I join him in keeping the house tidy but even thinking about it makes me tired. I mean we are just cleaning up our own things when I’m so used to changing beds because Daniel had peed on the sheets, often literally after I had just changed his pad. That boy loved a clean nappy. I should be cleaning up milk when I forgotten to clamp the tube. Weighing pads, chasing prescriptions and so much more. What i am not doing makes what I should be doing feel so out of reach.

I know it’s going to take time and it should, shouldn’t it. You don’t move on from losing your heart in a day, week, lifetime. I’m just so lost it’s crazy, I think that may be my forever statement. “I’m lost.” Then I think of one of Daniels favourite hymns “ i was lost but now I am found” maybe I will be found or find myself again.

Who knows?

Alan and I are struggling so scared about the future. It’s hard trying to make a life you so didn’t want. Everything is different, everything is hard, everything is missing Daniel. People keep telling us of the holidays we can now take, the places we can now visit, the freedom we now have. I know they mean well but this so called freedom came a high cost. Plus I never felt so free when I got to love on Daniel.

I remember so vividly when we lost our beautiful Livvy my anger, I was so angry that the world continued to turn without her in it. I feel that same anger with Daniel but with an extra element of bitterness, we lost him to what we tried so hard to protect him from. His life was stole by a virus the world wants to forget. He is just one in million statistics that we just have to accept. It’s shocking, it’s cruel and it’s so very wrong.

I’m never going to be the same person again and I don’t think Alan will either. Sometimes the spotlight is too powerful to not see the truth. I don’t want to stay bitter but the brokenness of my heart allows it to creep in.

My wonderful friend reminded me at Daniels celebration of the Japanese art of embracing brokenness, Kintsugi. Kintsugi teaches you that your broken places make you stronger and better than ever before. When you think you are broken, you can pick up the pieces, put them back together, and learn to embrace the cracks. Kintsugi teaches you that your broken places make you stronger and better than ever before. She reminded me that I had once before filled my brokenness with gold and that I will do again.

I’m beginning to think I may end up with a bowl full more of gold than china but that’s ok every crack, every bit of brokenness was made because I was blessed enough to have loved and to be loved.

To be so very loved.

Desperate

On August 27, 2021 By rebelwithkindnessIn Five minute Friday15 Comments

I woke last night screaming, somehow my sleep had become a time machine and I was there again in the hospital begging my child to wake. Desperate to see her chest rise again, begging the Lord to save her.

How can 12 years just disappear in a moment?

Yet I know in grief, time is only my enemy.

I miss my girlie so much, how I wish I could just hold her in my arms once more, to just breathe in the sweet smell of her hair.

Grief is a complex devil, playing games with your heart moment by moment, memory by memory.

Does it ever end?

Only with eternity I guess.

Oh I never knew the heart could survive such pain. The crushing weight becoming bearable against my wishes.

I don’t want to sleep again, I had to leave her once I’m not sure I could do it again.

Why does your memory invade your dreams?

Is there nowhere free from grief?

I couldn’t pretend for a while, I could not create the facade of being ok in those darkness hours. So I let the tears fall and as my whole soul hiccuped through my body I allowed myself to miss her.

I let the memories swarm my mind like a tapestry of bees as they create their honey, I created my moments again. I held her in my arms, I heard her sweet giggle of mischief on the symphony of the night and I breathed her in deep and I sobbed.

I still don’t understand why I had to lose her, why Rett Syndrome had to win the battle for her life. Yet I know it wasn’t for the lack of love. My Livvy, their Livvy, your Livvy was loved with the depths of so many hearts.

If love could have saved her life she would be here.

No the question still stands unanswered, our hearts still forever broken.

I couldn’t breathe anymore the tears had tore my soul and I did fall into an exhausted sleep.

I wake still desperate to hold my daughter once again.

The new day begins,

I trust, I breathe and I hope.

Until we meet again my beautiful girl, until.

Joining in again with five minute Friday, set your timer for five minutes and write.

This is not his story.

On July 9, 2018 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Daniel has been adopted now for over a year and because of this it was time for the social workers to step out of our lives and allow us to move forward as a normal family. Part of the adoption support was the creation of a life-story book for Daniel and what they call a later in life letter, a synopsis of what had happened and how he became to be adopted. These letters are the child’s right to know their history to be given to them when they are at an age of understanding.

Daniel’s letter broke my heart, I thought I knew most of Daniel’s journey, but I hadn’t a clue. I knew he had faced numerous medical procedures but 26 operations before his 2^ndbirthday, well that simply sucks. The number of foster placements he had and the amount of time he spent in hospital all more than one child should ever have had to face. The pain and the fear he must have felt is something I have really struggled with over the last week or so.

Livvy faced a lot in her life, regression, seizures, breathing issues and more but throughout all this she knew we were there for her, knew how much she was loved. Livvy understood that we were walking alongside her and that she didn’t have to face anything alone. It’s this I am struggling with for Daniel, how alone did he feel?

My faith is my strength but for the last two weeks I have been so angry at God and at the world.

It’s a strange situation I have found myself to be in, everything has really got to me and I have found myself raging over the stupidest of things. I was angry at Alan for being seemingly ok over this new found knowledge, angry at family members for not grasping how hard this is, not wanting to acknowledge what he had faced and even angry at complete strangers who would moan of the simplest of things, wanting to scream “What the heck, try living his life for a moment”.

Being angry at God is something I struggle with, it just feels wrong, yet I was so, so very furious at him.

If we were to be part of Daniel’s future, why the heck couldn’t he have gotten him to us earlier?

Why so many operations?

Why so much pain?

Why so much fear?

Yesterday I was sitting in church listening to the worship when the words being sung finally started to sink into my soul and I realised that ;

Daniel was never abandoned by God,

God never left him.

Right there in those numerous operating rooms God was with him, as he fought against the brain bleeds and the meningitis God was with him, and when professionals were making decisions for his future, God was with them.

Daniel was never alone.

Daniel was never on his own.

When we received the call asking us to have a fostering placement for a weekend God was with us. He was in the Yes that I found myself saying, he was the one that placed adoption on my heart so many years ago ready for Daniel.

I still don’t understand why Daniel has had to face so much, just like I will never understand why I had to lose Livvy, but I do know without a shadow of a doubt that God is with us always.

As the words of the worship began to soothe my heart I realised I was free from the anger that was consuming me. Free from the what if’s and free from the past I couldn’t change.

I was overwhelmed by how much God loves Daniel and me. How blessed I am that however hard Daniel’s journey has been we are so very blessed to have found each other.

I don’t have all the answers but that’s ok, I have faith and God’s promise.

I actually shared this at church yesterday, something which scared me like crazy, but I am so glad I did, because Daniel’s story and my story of fear and anger actually spoke to a number of people and they shared their journeys with me. Their sharing allowed me to realise that whilst I don’t believe things have to happen for a reason, beauty can be found in ashes. How many of us have felt completely alone and so far from God? It’s hard in the midst of pain to remember the promise that we are never alone.

Daniels past is not all of his story.

Every day is a new page yet to be written and I am so lucky I get to be part of his story.

I get to see all that God has planned for Daniel, the hearts he will fill, the spirits he will move and the smiles he will bring.

My boy will change the world.

I’m so thankful I get to be his Mom and I’m so excited for his next chapter.

Let’s get writing

1X2A2464b

There is good

On February 5, 2016 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Have you ever wanted to hide away from the way you feel.

As if your mind cannot actually face what is happening around you.

I know I have felt this way numerous times.

When I lost Livvy for sure. I remember the doctor talking to me but I don’t remember the words. I just couldn’t handle what they were saying.

Sometimes I feel this way about the world, with the news full of war, disease and politics.

When I hear of heinous things humans are doing to each other.

Hearts broken

Lives taken

Souls destroyed.

I really don’t get it.

How some can ignore the pain of others?

How can the lives of some hold less value that others.

Its blamed on religion, ethnicity and so much more but to me it’s simple.

It’s wrong.

We are all the same.

We are all one.

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die?
William Shakespeare

I cannot stay focused on the evil of this world.
My mind just cannot handle it anymore.

I need to stay focused, more forward and leave the negativity in the past.

There is good in this world and I want to celebrate it.

I want to fill my heart and my head with the celebrations of life.

The kind, the happy and the joyful.

My word for 2015

On January 1, 2015 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized1 Comment

So as we start the new year I have been thinking a lot about the word I wish to lead me through the next 365 days.

The word that will represent all my hopes and prayers for 2015.

It isn’t easy finding one word which fits all your plans and ideas.

Still after thinking hard for a while I am going to go with the word.

2015 is going to be my year of dreams.

This is a big step out of the ordinary for me.

You see I have never really allowed myself to dream.

Broken promises, painful situations and a lot of disappointment made me believe that dreams were for others and not for me.

It was something I accepted as just life.

I could hope but I couldn’t dream.

I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day.

Of the children she would have or career she would achieve.

Anxiety and disbelief stole away my dreams.

I cannot get excited for an event or a holiday until I am actually there and as for promises, well maybe we shouldn’t go there.

But this year is going to be different.

I am going to allow myself to dream and I’m going to see my dreams fulfilled.

I am going to dream that I can and will achieve my goals.

I will attend university.

I will move forward with this blog.

I will further my writing career.

I will put myself forward more.

I will look in the mirror and like what i see.

I will believe in me.

2015 you are my year to dream.

Its scary but it’s time.

Woo Hoo I’m modelling at Style XL

On April 14, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

This quote pretty much sums up the journey I have been on over the last 12 months.

For so long I have been searching for acceptance from others.

Trying to be the person I believed they wished me to be.

Struggling to be happy being someone I’m not.

It’s took me a long time to realise that the only acceptance I really need is from myself.

If I don’t love me how can I ask others too.

So this is my journey.

I’ve searched my heart to learn more about myself.

What I want in life?

What I want to achieve?

I’ve also had to learn to appreciate the body I have.

It may not be the body of my youth but it has birthed four amazing girls.

Suffered a major assault and now fights the effects of fibromyalgia and spine damage.

So in light of all this it is pretty amazing.

So on this body confidence note

I want to tell you about something I am doing in August.

It’s something I would have never imagined I would ever do again.

On August 2nd I am modelling as part of a plus sized event called Style xL

I will be strutting my stuff alongside some beautiful ladies.

I still can’t believe I’m doing this but I am super excited and I know it’s going to be an amazing day.

I am truly thrilled and can’t wait.

Style XL is going to be the Midlands first ever plus size fashion event and it’s going to be amazing.

Organised by Leleicious the event will showcase some of the Plus size brands that exist in the UK.

There will be the opportunity to view the latest trends coming for 2015 and maybe even purchase something awesome from the market stalls.

Showcasing their beautiful clothes are the brands

I am so excited I could burst.

It’s going to be a fantastic event.

I know the beautiful Leah has been working so hard to create this awesome day.

Seriously it’s going to be a truly inspiring day.

Of course if you want to see me conquer my demons and walk that catwalk you do need to come along.

Tickets are on sale now.

Forever Changing

On December 2, 2012 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized1 Comment

I have an obsession with perception and how it differs from one person to another.

A piece of art to one is a masterpiece yet to another its an eye sore.

A poem can be a beautiful prose for someone yet for another a boring recite.

I’ve heard it be said that eye witnesses accounts are the least useable piece of evidence as people see things differently.

Their perceptions are different, changed by circumstance, placement and time.

I love it

This crazy ever changing world.

Nothing is ever the same, the seconds move and that moment ago can never be relived in the same way.

One of my favourite sayings is

Who defines normal ?

What is normal ?

I’m quite sure my normal wouldn’t be the same as yours.

Again this is what I love about life, the changing seasons, the moving galaxies it’s all beyond our wildest imaginations.

This is why I have faith.

I look at a field of green grass and wonder over the fact that every blade is different.

I think about the millions, no billions of people in this world and marvel at the fact that everyone has differences, the sequence of our DNA proves this.

We are all Unique

We are all Incredible

There are so many new discoveries made every day that we haven’t a clue what tomorrow will bring.

Something, someone created this universe and to me that what or who is God.

For me my wonder is in God

For me my creation is in God

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
Psalm 139:13 ESV

Trusting in more than the sunset

On July 25, 2012 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I find comfort in the setting of the sun.

The knowledge that today is over and night is on its way

Like the rhythm of the tides the pattern of sunrise and sunset are the timetable of the earth.

When all the world around me feels like its lost its beat. God reminds us that its all in his hands.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

(Matthew 6:34, NIV)

I sometimes find myself smiling at the above scripture, Jesus is teaching about letting go of our worries and just focus on today. Just like the sun tomorrow will be here at some point just focus on the now.

The reason I smile is this though the part where Jesus says “each day will have enough trouble of its own”. It reminds me that life is chaotic and sometimes unpredictable and what seems like gigantic today will maybe seem trivial tomorrow.

I look back down my life and see those days where I was so stressed about bills or health issues, when I couldn’t sleep due to anxiety for something that may happen only for the next day to bring a solution or the worry not even to manifest. All that anxiety, that stress for nothing.

Then on the other side, in 2008 Livvy had the best year in a long time, walking independently when doctors said it would never happen. Seizures coming all under control. 2008 was the time I finally stopped stressing about losing her and look what happened. She was gone in a blink of an eye.

No one knows what tomorrow may bring but as the day ends with the setting of the sun and rises at the next dawn I find comfort in the one who does.

The creator of the gift of nature, the painter of that glorious night sky , the artist of the majestic dawn.

Our Lord knows the plans he has for us.

I trust in him.

A friend for the journey

On September 21, 2011 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Last night I had a wonderful evening talking with a lady whom
my girls are convinced is my twin sister. They reasoning is we are both insane. So very true.

As the evening rolled by I was struck by how similar we are. Yes we are both determined never to be a grown up but mostly we both agreed faith is something that is done not said.

Our hearts beat with the same passion for God the desire to serve him and praise him. To be out on the streets working for him.

We both confessed that we are the first to struggle with the concept of God’s eternal love. We look in the mirror and question “why would he love me”?

As we chatted we realised that although our mind was saying “why” our hearts knew he “did”.

I feel like I’m on journey of faith new discoveries everyday, tonight I realise my journey wasn’t one on my own.

I asked God for friendship in my life. He has surely blessed me.

” Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”
(Mark 11:24, NIV)

It won’t stop you.

On January 31, 2011 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I took my daughter ice skating this morning. As I watched her skate I could see something wasn’t right, she was far from the focussed individual she normally is.

As she left the ice after her lesson she called me over. The reason I found for her struggling was the fact that her chest was tight.

Eden, Brodie and I are all asthmatics and to be perfectly honest I was rather cross. The reality is that she does know better and she is aware of the need to manage her condition.

I asked her why she hadn’t come off the ice and used her inhaler, her answer “Ice skaters shouldn’t have asthma”

This really surprised me that this had been mind; her asthma is well-managed and rarely causes her any problems. Yet she still believes that asthma would stop her from achieving her dreams.

Asthma is a condition that affects the airways – the small tubes that carry air in and out of the lungs.

5.4m people in the UK are currently receiving treatment for asthma.
1.1m children in the UK are currently receiving treatment for asthma.
There is a person with asthma in one in five households in the UK.

Asthma is an incurable illness. However, with good treatment and management there is no reason why a person with asthma cannot live a normal and active life.

This afternoon I did some research to prove to Eden that many asthmatics have gone on to achieve their sporting goals.

Paula Radcliffe – world record holder marathon

Dennis Rodman – professional basketball player

The one that really helped me get the point across:-

Kristi Yamaguchi – Olympic medalist, figure skating (one of Eden’s heroes)

Asthma isn’t the best thing to have happened to us, but we cannot and will not let it limit our lives. Yes asthma is something to be taken seriously as it can be fatal but as I quoted above with good management you can live a normal life.

Thankfully Eden has seen that asthma won’t stand in the way of her dreams.

If you are affected by asthma or would like to learn more about it check out http://www.asthma.org.uk/index.html for professional and helpful advice.

Rebel with kindness

Tag: belief