Tag: anniversary

Twenty years of flying

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized1 Comment

Dear Alan 


How do you find the right words to describe twenty years of marriage? I could go with the old adages “I would have got less for murder” or you are “my old ball and chain”.

Yet none of these are right. 



I’m simply going to say 



“You gave me wings and encouraged me to fly”.


Now it may not be politically correct or of a feminist nature to say my husband completes me or that I finally found myself with you, but this is the truth. Before I met you I just didn’t know who I was. My identity was formed by the opinions of others of who they wanted me to be or what suited them. You came along and just let me be and you loved me for me, eccentricity and all. Never did you laugh at my wild ideas or my crazy plans you just stood by my side and said let’s try it.



You have be my core, when I have felt weak and lost you have been my strength and my direction. 


When we lost Olivia I wasn’t sure I could carry on but slowly even in the midst of your own pain you held me close reminding me daily that life has so much left to give and that we still had a journey to make.

You make me laugh so often, sometimes even when you don’t mean to and to be honest those times are often the funniest (sorry). 

You love on your children with such tenderness that watching you hold our new son in your arms makes me fall in love with you all over again.

Let’s be honest though you are annoying at times, singing out of time with the songs on the radio, keeping me awake with your snoring or leaving your socks on the floor. Still I guess I would be walking a dangerous road if we were to compare tidiness as I am far from the neatest.

I actually cannot believe we have been married for twenty years. In fact I have now spend more than half of my lifetime with you. Yet it still feels so short, we have so many plans and memories still to make. Children to raise, daughters to marry off (ha ha) sons to care for. 


You are simply amazing and I know you know how much I love you but I do wonder if you know how much I admire you. 


I often get asked how I do what I do, my answer is simple “because of you”. Alan you are my strength, I know I can go out into the world and try things knowing that whatever the outcome if I fail or if succeed you will be there waiting for me. 



I watched your face as I graduated last week your smile spoke volumes. You were so proud of me as I collected my degree but I couldn’t have done it without you. Endless cups of tea, having the children whilst I study. You were my support system and my room service all in one. 


Happy anniversary dear husband, thank you for loving my unconditionally. For caring for me, for not strangling me at times.



I love you today, tomorrow and forever and whatever the future holds let’s laugh hard, cry hard and just embrace life together.



Love you moon, stars and back again



Your darling, wonderful, beautiful wife (writers privilege)



Sara xxx 

19 years

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Wow today My husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, I think one or both of us deserve a medal or five ha ha.

What have I learned in the last 19 years?

wedding image

Well, marriage is hard, fighting at times to stay together when walking away would be easier.

Learning to accept that you are both far from perfect. That you both are works in progress.

I’ve had to learn patience to understand when he doesn’t get me. To work harder at communicating. I cannot expect him to know what I’m thinking and feeling when for the most part I never know myself.

I’m sure he will tell you that listening is so important that often underneath my rage is me just asking to be loved. That somethings which seem little to him are often important to me.

I know I’ve had to learn to listen better too, sometimes when he says he doesn’t want to, it maybe because he feels uncomfortable or unsure. I have to learn not to expect him to have the answers all the time.

Time apart is good, it doesn’t mean you love each other less it’s about respecting the fact that you have different ideas of fun. Whilst a library may be my favourite place Alan so prefers his RC clubs or getting his hands dirty in his shed.

The kids are crafty they won’t think twice about playing mom and dad off against each other. So communicate as parents. “Dad said it was ok” has been my girls favourite since they became teens. Now dad says “I will check with mom” and vice and versa.

Love needs work, it’s so easy to get caught up in being parents, in work, that we forget to work on being husband and wife, on being lovers.  Date nights are great but even an hour chatting  together is lovely.

I still cannot believe it’s been 19 years since I said I will. Some days I want to strangle him, yet sometimes when he smiles at me or reaches for my hand I get that little flip in my stomach that takes me back to that 19 year old girl who fell head over heals.

I can honestly say it hasn’t been an easy 19 years. We have faced the worst heartbreak that can happen to parents, the loss of a child. Yet somehow instead of pulling apart we pulled together. Grief can destroy the strongest marriages but somehow we managed to grieve together. I had to learn that sometimes he cannot find the words to share his pain. He has had to understand that sometimes I have too many words.

I guess if truth be told I was lucky I fell in love with a man who wasn’t scared of fighting for what he wants. All the times I’ve tried to pull away he has just stayed strong. He understood my fear and just overrides it with love.

My husband has taught me that love can be true. That sometimes what people say is what they mean, and that promises can be kept.

I cannot believe that I have now nearly been married for half of my life. It seems crazy. In fact we have now been together over half of my whole lifetime. Most of my memories now have him at the core.

Yet still I am so excited about the future, the next 19 years.

Is it sad that I’m excited to grow old with this man.

We have so many plans, watching our girls grow up, maybe a marriage or two. Yet the greatest gift we have is being able to walk this life together.

Making new memories and cherishing on our old ones.

Happy Anniversary Alan, thank you for the last 19 years and here’s to many more.

371B13C8-A905-4477-8073-4E954ECA3CD3

On our 18th Wedding Anniversary

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Dear Alan, 

When I was younger the concept of 18 years seemed like forever. 

Now today as we celebrate our 18th year of marriage it feels only a snapshot in time.

Anniversary1

 

Still in those 18 years we have lived a life filled with moments that will never leave our hearts.

Anniversary 2

 

We have loved and we have lost.

Been filled with both joy and so much pain. 

Together through all this we have grown stronger.

Anniversary 3

 

May God continue to weave our hearts into one.

May he continue to look upon us with his love.

May our lives be filled with laughter. 

anniversary 4

 

Let us cherish our memories of times past and loved ones missing.

As we embrace the future with the desire to make so many more moments matter.

annivesary 5

 

You are the flip side to my penny.

The left to my right 

The sun to my moon.

I love you my dear husband.

I am so grateful I got to be your bride.

Anniversary 6

 

With a love that will span this lifetime and on.

Eternity is ours.

Today, tomorrow, forever 

My heart is yours

Always 

I love you.

Sara xxx

anniversary 7

I can’t breathe

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized2 Comments

One True Media is closing down and have asked us to download our videos.

Sounds fine doesn’t it.

Just download the videos and you have them for your own.

So that’s what I do but then of course I stop to watch.

Thump

The impact of pain just hits me smack in my stomach.

The video is of my baby girl.

So far away from me.

I want to just reach out through the screen and hold her.

Feel her hand in my hand.

It hurts so bad.

Will it ever stop feeling like a knife in my stomach?

Twisting, turning deeper and deeper.

I want to hold my daughter.

It’s not a lot to ask is it?

I can’t stop the tears as they fall

The gut wrenching sobs seem to echo around my room.

I want my baby.

Missing her is just too damn hard.

It’s not fair and right now I can’t see past the pain.

Grief is like a weight pushing down on my chest.

I cannot breathe

I don’t want to breathe.

Time isn’t a great healer.

Life just sucks

I want my baby back.

Please.

 

 

Dear Olivia – 5 years too long xxx

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized9 Comments

Dear Olivia

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of your death. Anniversary sounds so wrong. Its meant to be the celebration of something. But I don’t celebrate your death, how could I when the missing of you has left my heart beating to a broken beat.

I can try to celebrate your life but even that isn’t so easy when all I want to do is scream that a life lived only for nine years isn’t enough.

Though as quote states “life is not measured by the breathes we take but the moments that take your breathe away.”

Now these are the moments I can relate to. Those one in a million moments that’s you packed into your short time here in this world. Those crazy moments that filled our hearts with such overwhelming love.

From the moment you entered this world you lived life with a purpose that I am only yet understanding. 

You came to change. You changed me, your dad, your sisters, grandparents and so many more.

Anyone who had the blessing to know you left being touched in a way we still cannot find the words to describe. 

IMG_0004livvy2

People have told me you were an angel and thats why we only had you for a short time. I’m not sure if an angel is the right description but you certainly was my inspiration.

I watch the videos of you and look at the photos and its as if I can almost touch you. I try to convince myself that you are just in another room and try to hide my heart from the truth that you have gone. I play the clip we have of you laughing and close my eyes. Its as if for that moment you are right there beside me. I hear your laughter, I feel your presence.

I still don’t understand why we had to lose you. If there is a bigger picture I cannot see it. I am so thankful for my faith as its the only thing that gives me hope. The promise that we will be together again.

 livvy3

Your sisters are so grown up now. Kennedy is preparing for university next year. I tease her about leaving home but its going to be hard. Every since I lost you I am so scared for them. I want to wrap them up in cotton wool and keep them safe.

Do you watch over them?

They all miss you so terribly each in there own way. Brodie hurts desperately she misses her partner in crime so much. I remember how wherever we went she shared the moment with you. Pushing your wheelchair so you could see things.  Do you remember the penguins? How you loved to sit and watch them. You in your chair and Brodie by your side. Dad and I was convinced we were never going to be able to leave. You were transfixed, giggling as they splashed into the water.

I still can’t believe its been five years, my heart still feels like it was yesterday. So raw inside. 

Grief is a funny thing, I don’t understand how its supposed to work, “time is a great healer” is the worst lie I have ever heard.

IMG_0455Livvy1

I often find myself wondering about heaven. Is that crazy? I wonder what its like there for you. I take comfort from the fact that my grandparents are there with you. I know Grandad is looking after you for sure. I remember saying to your dad when your were diagnosed how much I wish he had been here then. How he would have been your best friend, the hours he spend teaching me to read, count and write would have been there for you too. He would have learned all about Rett Syndrome and all about your therapies. I know that you are free from Rett now but I do hold the fact that he is there with you in my heart.

 

These last few years your best friends have joined you. I hate that their parents are feeling this agony but I know that between you, Ryan and Rachel there is a lot of laughter in heaven.

 

Livvy this is so wrong. I should be lying on the sofa right now holding you in my arms. You should be sending sweet looks over to your dad for his chocolate.

 

Its all so wrong but its whats happened and what we have to face. 

 

You and your sisters are my inspiration. You all are the reason I wake each morning knowing how blessed I am.

 

I miss you honey so much it physically hurts but I am trying so hard to make you proud. Trying to make a difference in the lives of others just as you did.

 

You are my inspiration, my hope!

 

Livvy five whole years has passed since that fateful morning. I still have flashbacks now.  Could I have done anything?  Why my girl?  Why my daughter?

 

I have no answers.

 

But regardless of the whys I still give thanks.

 

I am so thankful that I got to be your mom.

 

 I am so thankful for the nine years I got to love and care for you.

 

I am so thankful.

 

I miss you my beautiful girl and I will continue to miss you until we are reunited.

 5 years too long xx

My heart beats to a broken drum.

My life’s jigsaw will alway be missing a piece.

My beautiful, adorable minx how do we survive with out you?

I am trying my very best.

What I would give for one more day, one more moment.

Five  years missing you , is five years to long.

I love you my baby girl.

My sweet precious Tinkerbell.

Until forever.

I love you to the moon, stars and back again.

Mom xxxx