Is ok to feel this way?

I’ve had a really strange week, my emotions have been on a journey full of confusion and guilt.

Yes I’ve been feeling guilty.

Guilty for not feeling fulfilled.

That this life just isn’t enough.

That I want more.

I know that I have four amazing children and a great job as a foster mom and I cannot say for a moment that I don’t love being a mom but at times it’s not enough.

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I also know I have a marriage that is so blessed and 18 years on we are still happy.

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Yet it isn’t enough.

Is it wrong to want more?

Maybe it’s just pre- birthday blues, I don’t know. Yet as I turn 37 tomorrow I am feeling lost and unfulfilled?

Is it ok to feel this way?

Or should being a mother and wife be enough?

Is it wrong to want more?

To want something that’s mine?

When I was younger I used to spend afternoons reading and chatting with my grandad and he always told me to never settle for just enough, always reach for your dreams.

Those afternoons I spend dreaming of my future. The dreams I held.

To write a book.

To stop poverty.

To change the world.

I guess I was an idealistic kid, and slowly my naivety disappeared. But deep down inside of me a little of those dreams still hold on.

Being a mom, being a wife they are all such gifts which I hold dear but it’s as if they are pieces of an unfinished puzzle.

I’m searching for that missing piece that will make me complete. Make me whole.

I’m searching.

I want more.

Is it ok to say that ?

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Dreams are ageless

Have you ever woken up from your sleep knowing you have had a dream yet for the life of you the remembering is just out of your reach?

I have images, bits ready to piece together, but the complete picture is beyond me.

I remember a pile of schoolbooks on a kitchen table. My desire to continue my education maybe?

I remember seeing a house it was all white with an American porch complete with swing. The white of the house was beautiful in the backdrop of the scenery surrounding the home. My dream home maybe?

Our subconscious is a great place, it’s where we store all of hopes and dreams.

Maybe some of mine were beginning to slip through the veil of dreamland into the world of the awake.
Just not enough yet for me to make sense of.

Whatever the reason it has left me thinking a lot about my future and what it Is I want to achieve.

It’s strange when you are a teenager you feel you have the whole plan ready for the rest of your life. Yet my dreams at the age of 16 are far from the ambitions i have now.

My desires have changed dramatically, the person I am now is far from who I was then.

Life lessons have changed me, the experiences I’ve had, the joy and the sorrow have all left their own individual scars on my heart on my spirit.

I imagine asking my 16 year old self what would I think of being married at 20 and having four beautiful girls. Living through financial struggles, raising a disabled child and then facing the nightmare of losing that child. I think I would have just laughed in your face. At 16 life was supposed to be laughter and fun. I wanted to see the world, party the night away.
A life full of complications and so much pain weren’t on my agenda.

Yet for the last 16 years this is the life I’ve lived. A life I’ve loved for the most, even in the heartache I’ve felt gratitude for the blessings set upon me.

As I watch my eldest start to sit her exams and make plans for the future I have to remind myself that I still have a place left in this world.

I’m only 35 my life journey is only just beginning. Those snatched pieces of my dreams still have time to become my reality.

I want to continue my education. I still dream of that beautiful place I desire to call home.

Dreams are ageless and I’m finally reminding myself of this.

So in the words of Walt Disney

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.”

I’m slowly finding my courage again and stepping forward to towards my dreams.