Tag: 2022

Hello 2023

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Hello 2023 I’m not not going to even try and say “Happy new year” because the words get stuck in my throat, I choke on the sentiment of new beginnings, a better time blah blah blah. The date has changed on the calendar and like everyday since April 27th I start it with the pain of missing my boy.

When I lost Livvy in 2008 the turning of the new year destroyed my soul, I truly felt like I was leaving her behind and couldn’t comprehend a year that didn’t have her a part of, memories made that didn’t hold her within. So I guess the irony of losing two children is I now know I’m not leaving Daniel behind in 2022 I’m bringing him with me. Just like Livvy I may have left his physical in 2022 but his spirit, his love, my Daniel will be in everything I do in 2023. Alongside his big sister they get to be my heavenly cheerleaders and my biggest inspiration.

Now don’t get me wrong I am not tying the loss of my beautiful boy in an imaginary bow of “all is good,” far from it. 2022 you have been a hell of a year and losing Daniel well there are no words it’s just wrong and so fucked. He deserved so much more and whilst I will never understand why I had to lose him I will never not be grateful that I got to be his Mama, I am his Mama.

So what’s the plan for 2023, right now I’m just sticking with just survival. I know I have to work on being healthy, not the lose weight, get active healthy (though this wouldn’t hurt) but feeding my body decent fuel, hoping to stop tumbling from one illness to another and just working on caring for myself a little more, “walk the talk” is what a friend reminded me gently this week.

I also need to work on my mental health, getting a later in life ADHD diagnosis came rather as shock to me but it had as allowed me to understand my brain more than ever and this is allowing myself to be more honest with my feelings. I want to continue learning more about myself and my likes and dislikes and to stop trying to play the roles I think others want me to play and find my authenticity. Not going to be easy especially with CPSTD but working with some amazing people has really allowed me to start understanding it’s ok to like what I like and who I am. Like I said it’s a journey and I am definitely still at the beginning.

I start 2023 in a new career, it’s a field I have wanted to work in for, well forever. I didn’t want to have to lose my gorgeous boy to find myself here but maybe he sent me the job from heaven who knows. I’m hoping that I can find my purpose again and make a difference still in the lives of others. I truly believe we aren’t put on this earth for our own gratification but that true joy comes from service and enriching the lives of others. So I’m striving for growth, development and hopefully success in changing lives.

I want to see the world a little more, live in the moment a little more and breathe deeper a whole lot more. For as long as I can remember I’ve lived only shallow breathing scared so much of what could go wrong that I forget to see what could go right. The irony of writing this after losing my beautiful boy isn’t lost on me. But I guess when you are already so broken the only way forward is healing. I don’t believe I could fall any further into the darkness right now so the only way forward is towards the light.

I have no idea if any of this will materialise, I’ve learned that life will be whatever it’s meant to be. All I can promise is I’m going to try to live to honour all my children my earthly and heavenly blessings. To live each day knowing I’ve made them proud and myself too.

Hello 2023, I’m not ready for you but I also know you are coming regardless, so here we go.

As for 2022 “fuck you”.

Start here

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I’ve decided to try and follow a January prompts writing plan. This year is for me to be about learning to enjoy writing again without the pressure of a false idea of perfection.

So here we go.

January 1st : Start here

Start here at the beginning, this should be a time of excitement and anticipation yet I always struggle to start anything. The fear of failure looms above me like the dark cloud on a miserable day. Expectation breeds anxiety inside of me, I’m scared to fail before I even try.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this last year especially. How I have build up false accounts in my mind to protect me. I had convinced myself of so many falsehoods, hiding myself from judgement or the pain of broken promises.

I’m examining these lies I’ve told myself and trying to work out what’s truth from the protective façade.

From simple things like I don’t like craft to places I have convinced myself I don’t wish to visit. Unpicking the pain and brokenness and trusting myself to make my own judgements. Not allowing the past to define my future.

This may just sound vague and that’s ok. Todays not the day to open wounds in a public arena but a day that I start to allow myself to heal.

Trusting myself to feel the rejection and stand strong in my own truth.

Believing that I am ready to finally allow myself to be me.

So here on the first day of the new year, I allow myself to begin to heal.

To begin a journey of new understanding.

Let’s

Start here.

Let’s find me.

On the cusp

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Wow what a feeling as we wait on the cusp of a new year. The feeling of trepidation, the tenderness of maybes.

I’m sure you can all think back to March 2020 when we first went into lockdown. That feeling of temporary, if we do this now in a couple of months we will be back enjoying life to the max. Well I guess that wasn’t to be, 2020 was a year of sacrifice. Sacrifice from the NHS, delivery drivers, care workers, shop workers all the key-workers, they showed up so we didn’t have to. It was a year when we celebrated them, thanked them and was grateful.

Fast forward to 2021, the year I like to describe as our countries toddler year, tantrums were thrown, toys flung out of the pram. Rule breakers patting themselves on the back and lies spewing from those in power like a child on the waltzers after candy floss. It was a year of divisions and more sacrifice again from the doctors and nurses and the incredible NHS. A year of selfishness from those who assume they deserve to break the rules, that were there to protect all. Those that don’t care beyond themselves.

Yet and for the most part it was a year we had hope, the vaccine was created (thank you scientists). We had a way to protect ourselves and those around us. Yes some have decided that they don’t want the government to track them ( I mean they declare this whilst holding a mobile phone in their hand but hey ho) but for the most of us we celebrated a way to protect those we love. To protect the free and fantastic NHS service we have and try to have hope for a brighter future once more.

So where are we now, as I said before on the cusp, omicron has felt like a punch that is delivered to the back of a fighters head after the bell had rung and we were returning to our corners. Normality felt in our grasp then wham here’s another variant to add to the growing Covid 19 vocabulary. It sucks but again the hope is there in the science, can we just say thank you again to the scientists.

I have no idea what 2022 is going to look like, I pray that the vaccine rollout for vulnerable 5-11 year olds happens swiftly. I pray that the NHS and the care system gets all the support both financially and morally that it deserves. I pray for a new normality, one that has taken the lessons of the pandemic on board.

People matter not things.

Time is not guaranteed so love hard.

Gratitude is free, kindness is free.

We are more than the jobs we do, the money we make and the places we travel. We are more creative than we realise and hey maybe a few of us can now bake bread.

In all seriousness, we have all faced some mental battles, show me one person who hasn’t throughout this pandemic. If normality is ours again let’s not lose what we have learned in this time. Let’s not waste the painfulness, I mean growing pains hurt.

So as we ring in a new year, let’s go quietly in 2022 with hope, gratitude and kindness.

I wish you all a happy, healthy 2022.