Parental guilt ?

Yesterday I felt so ill I actually had to spend the day in bed. I couldn’t stand without feeling dizzy and my temperature gauge was completely crazy. Hot, cold, sweating, freezing. It completely sucked but the worse of the day was the internal battle I was having with my mind.

Am I the only parent who believes they should never be ill? That by being poorly I am letting my children down?

Why do I do this to myself?

I mean for a start I’m human, I’m a mortal being whose body can often be found at war from viruses, conditions etc. Being a parent did not make me immune to all this.

Actually I think that would have been helpful, immunity and the ability to survive on little sleep should be delivered gift wrapped the day you become a parent. Yet it doesn’t so yes I’m human and sometimes human beings get sick.

I cannot help this situation, I didn’t request it and I certainly don’t enjoy it so why the heck am I feeling guilty?

It’s crazy actually what I feel guilty for since I’ve been a mom.

Nights out without children- obviously means I’m scarring them for life.

Forgetting non uniform days at school

Forgetting which child hates all vegetables compared to the ones who will eat a few.

Not washing the jeans that the teenager left on the bathroom floor and not realising those are the ones she needs for college right now.

Not having enough money to purchase a car for each child.

Not having enough hours in the day for everything?

Seriously though when did I decide everything was my fault?

Also is this a parent thing or a mom thing? As Alan doesn’t look back when he goes out at night, doesn’t think non uniform days should be a thing and really doesn’t stress when forgets pretty much everything. Yet I’m my own worse critic.

I just don’t understand myself, I’m the first person to tell others to give themselves a break. That perfect parents do not actually exist, yet lying ill in bed I’ve been really down on myself.

Someone give me a kick please.

Happy International Women’s day

Todays is International women’s day a day when we celebrate the achievements of woman. A day where women are recognised for all they do.

To be honest part of me is frustrated that we need a women’s day or a men’s day, shouldn’t we be celebrating all people at all times regardless of their gender? Still it is nice to see the media full of amazing inspirational women whose gifts to the world should be recognised.

It is said that being a woman in today’s world is exciting and yes it is. Maybe we are heading for a society where the bar is starting to even out but we are still a long way off from equality . I do wonder if it is an easier time to be a woman? Societies expectations used be a woman should stay home, keep house and raise the babies and whilst that’s now classed as old fashioned have we really moved further along? I feel that this is still expected but now we are frowned upon if we don’t look amazing and also have a successful career as well.

One thing I find as a woman is that vulnerability seems to be shameful. To admit that I haven’t got all the answers, that I cannot be all things and that sometimes I screw up is a big no no.

It’s seems in the quest to be perceived as equal we have to be cool, calm and collected. All things I am not.

So does this make me less of a feminist? Less of a women striving for equality?

Erm no

Being a woman, being equal is being exactly who I want to be.

Society is trying hard to create illusions of who we should be, how we should look, what our place is in time, the roles we should play.

Well screw those stereotypical manipulative notions. I will be who I want to be.

I have and will continue to raise my daughters to know their own worth. To know their own minds and to walk their own journeys.

I want them to know that the end of the day only themselves can make them happy. No man or woman can fulfil them, their truth is their own.

I want to continue in my own self growth, finding out who I am not the roles I feel I have to play.

So to all your women out there today, Happy International Women’s Day you are all amazing, incredible people. Take this day as a celebration of who you are and all you have achieved. If there are things you want to change, start right now but more then anything remind yourself that self confidence, self acceptance and self love are not just wishy washy words they are what is needed to change the world, your world.

Love yourself, be vulnerable and find your truth.

Happy Women’s day, we rock xxx

17, baby girl

Time seems to be flying by quicker than ever. Life is threading through my fingers like water. I know my children have to grow up but I have to admit that the fact that my baby girl is seventeen today feels unreal.

My little wise owl, the girl who refused to wear trousers until she was eight is now on the verge of adulthood.

Brodie you have been a gift from the first moment you were born. you entered into our world at a time of confusion and you became my calm in the chaos.

The littlest of four girls your character was so unique, your smile was so amazing, dimples galore.

You were born with such a caring nature, loving on your sister when she needed, two peas in a pod. Nothing was ever too much for you where Livvy was concerned.

Nothing has changed, your arms opened to Daniel, your heart full of love for him. His smile when he sees you says it all.

Brodie Lea, I don’t mean to be embarrassing but I cannot let a chance to go by too remind you how incredible you are. How beautiful you are and how much we love you.

We love you to the moon, stars and back again.

Happy birthday  my sweet baby girl xxxx

Privilege

As I sit here breathing in the smell of my son who lies in my arms I know privilege.

The gift of full arms, of a full heart is so obvious to me. Yet others seem to feel the need to tell me how lucky he is, how fortunate.

I’m not sure if my view of adoption is different to others but I know without a doubt how privileged I am to call this boy, my son.

Each day I get to witness his smile, to hold his hand in mine, to hear him cry out for me his Mama.

I get to love this precious one.

That is my idea of pure privilege.

Living like Livvy

So it’s finally here, a years worth of work, a lifetime of memories all collated together in “Living with Livvy.”

I’m so excited to share my girlie with you all, for you to read and learn how incredibly brave and courageous she was. I’m also feeling extremely vulnerable as well. Here in these pages I have not held back, I have opened my heart and my soul and its laid bare for you all to see.

It’s not been an easy journey, i have returned to places in my mind I was trying to hide from. Revisiting some of the hardest moments I have every faced.

Yet it will be worth it, if this book educated one more person about Rett Syndrome if it raises more funds for Reverse Rett Uk it will be worth it.

So people, I am laying out my heart and soul here for you all so please, please support me in this venture. Go visit Amazon and purchase my book and help me raise much needed funds, help me help those working tirelessly to one day have Rett syndrome cured. One day have this diagnoses be one not of fear.

It can happen and it will happen,  let’s help  make it so.

Please visit Amazon and purchase the book, please let your friends, family, coworkers know about the book. Share this post on your social media, lets get “Living like Livvy” out into the hearts of minds of everyone. Lets make Livvy”s legacy really one of hope, lets do her proud.

Surrender

When I saw today’s word I was surprised by how apt it is for me and the time I’m in now. As tomorrow is the launch date of my story, a book that shares the journey of the life of my late daughter Livvy.

I haven’t written the book, I could never find the way to detach from the moment to write in clarity. It’s been written by an amazing man who over the last year has let me cry on his shoulder, encouraged me to remember and then used his words to explain my heart to honour my daughter.

It’s not been easy I have to surrender my heart and my soul, to share truthfully and openly my story. Allowing my mind to go to places that it’s had tried to protect me from. Having to surrender to the pain I faced to find the words to bring reverence to the courage of my beautiful daughter.

Yet as I sit here excited for release day tomorrow I confess I am nervous. Tomorrow between these pages those that read it will know my heart. They will walk my journey through Olivia’s life with me. I’m not expecting judgement, I’m not expecting dislike but transparency can come at cost.

Still it’s a cost I’m willing to pay in hope that one more person learns of the devastating condition of Rett Syndrome. Learns what each and every girl has to face each day. Understands maybe a little more the pain and anguish the parents and families face.

I’m surrendering my soul in awareness, sharing my heart in hope.

Hope that those that read will learn of the condition, pray that one day a cure will be found for this evil syndrome.

But more than this I hope and pray that people learn that life is a gift not to be kept perfectly wrapped up in a pretty bow but a life that should be ripped open and enjoyed to the max.

I learned the hard way that none of us have the promise of forever, but we all do have the gift of today.

Go live it xxx

Joining in again with the Five minute Friday party.

Intentional

I wonder if I am the only person who self analyses themselves daily? I sit in bed each night wondering if the decisions of the day were the right ones or if I could have done something different or better. Yes these self refections sessions often do turn to self judgement but its something I have always done and at my age I cannot imagine me stopping.

Yet since the beginning of this year I have seen a change in the way I reflect upon myself.

I am finally allowing myself some space, I’ve become intentional in the decisions that I am making. Saying yes when I only actually wish to do something, saying No when I need to.

I’m learning to give myself peace, switching off from social media, leaving emails to the next day. I am finally understanding that I can not be all things to all people, I have to focus on the roles that fill my heart.

This is a massive emotional step forward for me, so often I have said yes not because I have wanted to but because I have not wanted to upset another, to let others down. Finding myself stretched and exhausted and often extremely unhappy.

I am learning its ok to sit with a baby in your arms and just breathe in their innocent smell. To veg on the sofa and watch too many episodes of the big bang theory, to relax in a bath until the water goes cold.

I’m realising that my body needs rest, that if the baby is awake through the night that the care hours can be used to sleep and recharge.

Its been a journey of intention and one that has made me smile a lot more.

How did i get to the place where self care felt wrong. That by taking care of myself I was being selfish and lazy? How did I let myself down so often?

I don’t know, or maybe I do but just don’t want to face it right now. Maybe that in itself is self care, sometimes its okay to just move forward without having to understand the past.

So 2018 I am moving forward, being kind to others and myself.

Intentional self care.