I will let you in on a lesson I’m finally starting to learn. It hasn’t been a quick discovery I’ve had to wait until literally my body has betrayed me. The lesson is “Grief will find a way.”
It doesn’t matter how full you make your day, how many distractions you can find. Grief it’s a slippery emotion it either finds a crack in the armour or it simply bashes it’s way through.
I lost Daniel the end of April so I do accept it’s not been a long period of time but the truth is I feel like I did that day. Although others reassure me I don’t feel or see any growth. I’m broken and now my body has crashed so badly that I now cannot even find the energy to pretend.
I’ve been so poorly the last week or so, it started with vertigo, then an ear infection now issues with my Blood pressure and sugars. Now yes they all could be tied into my infection and my autoimmune condition but my GP believes that grief is playing a big part in my physical health.
I’m exhausted, from the moment I open my eyes the pain overwhelms me. I’m not waking to do Daniels medicine, I don’t have to turn off the pump. I’m not going to get that cheeky smile when I say “good morning”. Those are moments lost with my beautiful boy and before some tells me I have memories I know this but they don’t come close to the real thing.
I’ve tried to become someone else, I do enjoy my job and I want to be a super efficient employee now I’m off sick and just feeling like I’ve let the world down. I just cannot fight this infection, this exhaustion to be of any use.
I have so many presents to wrap even though I’ve cut down so much this year just looking at the piles it overwhelms me. I know I need to make more of an effort but it’s just not the same anymore. The tree is in the house and half way done but it still doesn’t feel right. I’m also hoping no one requires food over the holiday as the cupboards are bare and I just don’t have the energy to food shop.
Anyway back to grief, well it’s not like we ever left it but you know what I mean. Grief is a tapestry of emotions than come together to create an image of the missing. Every thought I have is a memory of my beautiful boy. My therapist tells me I’m grieving hard because I love hard and I know she is right, yet it’s scary at times. The overwhelming feeling of being so lost. Feeling empty, not recognising my own life.
But I guess I have no choice but to feel, hiding away doesn’t help, grief catches up with you. It grows in the denial. I just miss my beautiful boy, I just miss holding his hand in mine. I miss my arm aching from holding him whilst he sleeps. I miss his mischievous smile, I miss his voice as he shouts over my TV programme. I miss who I was when I was so blessed to be loving on him.
Daniel I miss you.