I wasn’t going to write a birthday post because I mean the day feels far from a celebration, yet whilst I am in the midst of grief on Daniels anniversary I do want to give a shout out to myself.
Oh goodness even writing that makes me feel awkward but you know what I could have never imagined what these last twelve months would bring and the person I would become as I rise from the ashes.
I don’t use that metaphor easily but when I lost Daniel I lost myself and I really didn’t wish to be here and very nearly wasn’t. Yet I am maybe not as beautiful or as glorious as a Phoenix but I’m here and I am rising.
If you would have asked me twelve months and two weeks ago if I knew pain I would have answered yes losing my daughter Livvy and little man brought me to my knees but when lightning struck again I was broken. I could not see beyond the pain, the loss, the missing. When Daniel died the Sara I was died with him. I could not see light, darkness consumed me. I was done. Yet no matter how much you pray for your heart to stop, if it’s not your time it won’t it’s as simple as that.
I switched off, I felt there was no reason to be anymore in losing Daniel I also felt I had lost my purpose. I was blinded to the fact that my daughters needed me, all I could see was three beautiful independent women, I mean why would they need me? My dad, my step mom they had their own lives they didn’t need me. My then husband,well I didn’t recognise him anymore I hadn’t for a while yet losing Daniel just shone a light on the brokenness, on the disconnect.
Choosing to live was hard, choosing to find joy in the pain has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Realising that my loved ones do need me, but more so they want me has taken time. Learning that I want to be; took even longer.
Daniel needed me, he loved me in my craziness, my ugliness and my own brokenness. That amazing little boy didn’t need expensive things or the best toys or games he needed to feel safe in my arms, heartbeat to heartbeat. To be wanted or needed where you are right there and then; is a gift I wish for you all.
Daniel didn’t have it easy, from his traumatic early birth, his neglect and his constant changing of people he had every right to not trust anyone, yet he trusted me and no matter whatever else in my life I cannot trust in, I can in that. My beautiful boy knew he has his mommy’s heart. Daniels strength was beyond anyone I know, the way he fought to live was mind blowing and incredibly inspiring. When Covid took him away from us it wasn’t because he didn’t win his battle it was because it was his time to be free. Still my heart broke on this day last year and for a long time I never thought it would heal.
Yet I am healing, slowly I am rising and it’s because I finally realise that I don’t walk alone, I am surrounded by people who love me here and in heaven.
I am truly blessed.
“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.
So this is isn’t a normal Happy birthday post, it’s a happy rebirth to the person I am evolving to be and to be honest between you and me I really like her.
Daniel this anniversary of your freedom is hard, you are missed more than words. But I will feel you my beautiful boy, heartbeat to heartbeat.