Hello 2023 I’m not not going to even try and say “Happy new year” because the words get stuck in my throat, I choke on the sentiment of new beginnings, a better time blah blah blah. The date has changed on the calendar and like everyday since April 27th I start it with the pain of missing my boy.
When I lost Livvy in 2008 the turning of the new year destroyed my soul, I truly felt like I was leaving her behind and couldn’t comprehend a year that didn’t have her a part of, memories made that didn’t hold her within. So I guess the irony of losing two children is I now know I’m not leaving Daniel behind in 2022 I’m bringing him with me. Just like Livvy I may have left his physical in 2022 but his spirit, his love, my Daniel will be in everything I do in 2023. Alongside his big sister they get to be my heavenly cheerleaders and my biggest inspiration.
Now don’t get me wrong I am not tying the loss of my beautiful boy in an imaginary bow of “all is good,” far from it. 2022 you have been a hell of a year and losing Daniel well there are no words it’s just wrong and so fucked. He deserved so much more and whilst I will never understand why I had to lose him I will never not be grateful that I got to be his Mama, I am his Mama.
So what’s the plan for 2023, right now I’m just sticking with just survival. I know I have to work on being healthy, not the lose weight, get active healthy (though this wouldn’t hurt) but feeding my body decent fuel, hoping to stop tumbling from one illness to another and just working on caring for myself a little more, “walk the talk” is what a friend reminded me gently this week.
I also need to work on my mental health, getting a later in life ADHD diagnosis came rather as shock to me but it had as allowed me to understand my brain more than ever and this is allowing myself to be more honest with my feelings. I want to continue learning more about myself and my likes and dislikes and to stop trying to play the roles I think others want me to play and find my authenticity. Not going to be easy especially with CPSTD but working with some amazing people has really allowed me to start understanding it’s ok to like what I like and who I am. Like I said it’s a journey and I am definitely still at the beginning.
I start 2023 in a new career, it’s a field I have wanted to work in for, well forever. I didn’t want to have to lose my gorgeous boy to find myself here but maybe he sent me the job from heaven who knows. I’m hoping that I can find my purpose again and make a difference still in the lives of others. I truly believe we aren’t put on this earth for our own gratification but that true joy comes from service and enriching the lives of others. So I’m striving for growth, development and hopefully success in changing lives.
I want to see the world a little more, live in the moment a little more and breathe deeper a whole lot more. For as long as I can remember I’ve lived only shallow breathing scared so much of what could go wrong that I forget to see what could go right. The irony of writing this after losing my beautiful boy isn’t lost on me. But I guess when you are already so broken the only way forward is healing. I don’t believe I could fall any further into the darkness right now so the only way forward is towards the light.
I have no idea if any of this will materialise, I’ve learned that life will be whatever it’s meant to be. All I can promise is I’m going to try to live to honour all my children my earthly and heavenly blessings. To live each day knowing I’ve made them proud and myself too.
Hello 2023, I’m not ready for you but I also know you are coming regardless, so here we go.
As for 2022 “fuck you”.