I’m getting tired of unwanted opinions, you know the ones. I’m chatting on social media, which a quick side note, does not give people free range regardless what some trolls believe, you are responsible for your words in real life or online.So when someone feels the need to tell me I’m wrong. When someone feels the need to tell me I’m grieving all wrong. Erm what the hell?
I was chatting to someone about the realisation I’ve had about why I cannot or will not fill all this extra time I have in my life since Daniels death and how recently with help I have finally realised that it is because the only thing I really want to fill my time with is my beautiful boy. My reluctance to go back to familiar places etc is because my boy won’t be with me. It wasn’t and isn’t guilt about moving forward ( I know Daniel would want me to) but simply me just wanting my boy back and refusing consciously or unconsciously to accept that he won’t be coming back. Maybe it’s the anger wave or the refusing of the acceptance one but no, I’m sorry I don’t want to go shopping or for a walk because I want to be sitting down cuddling my beautiful son watching the Yorkshire vet. Right now I cannot even watch the programs we used to share because I’m broken hearted and damn right angry that he isn’t there.
The thing is this realisation was something I needed and whilst what I was doing wasn’t wrong (in grief nothing is wrong) it’s not healthy for myself and for those that love me. Also the reality is Daniel cannot be with me right now so how long would I hold on to this dangerous hope and what and how will my mind cope as time goes on. I have to find a way to live life with Daniel in my heart and mind just not here physically.
Anyway the opinion I got was “I’m doing it all wrong” and the person helping me realise this was wrong too. Now I would never tell anyone how to grieve but when someone firstly wasn’t asked into the conversation but secondly who has not walked my journey has an opinion that makes me out to be wrong, well that does make my blood boil.
Now if I was saying “let’s go out and party and forget all about Daniel because he is dead and he doesn’t matter anymore” I could understand a little but what I was saying is that I need to realise for my own mental health that no matter how many invitations I turn down, or places I don’t visit or even programmes I won’t watch I cannot bring Daniel back. This really sucks and it hurts like hell. But in this crazy waiting period I’m aware of damaging relationship’s and hurting the ones I love, whilst also losing myself into to darkness. Because you know what whilst my grief is individual to me I know I am not the only one grieving my beautiful boy. Would I want to see his sisters give up on life, would Daniel, of course not.
So I guess what I needed to realise is the why behind the no’s, the fear that I felt regarding acceptance. Was it that I felt guilty laughing and having fun again without Daniel, answer to that is no. Daniel brought me joy and I know he would want me to continue to find joy, especially in the things we shared together. Was I just so sad that I couldn’t face these things and if that’s the case should I be seeking further help? For me the answer was simply (not that simple) I was place holding. You remember when we were kids and we would hold a place in line for our best friend, well I was holding a place for Daniel. I wanted him back and I was holding this space until he would be there. I wanted him back more than anything and I was so angry at life that I was refusing to fill the place where he should be. I don’t want to do this or that, I want Daniel.
Whilst that may sound like spoiled brat behaviour it’s grief and I think I felt that if I accepted, if I accept his loss I would lose him completely. But the harsh truth is I have physically lost him and I do have to accept this but I will never really lose him. Not whilst my memories hold him, whilst my heart still beats to love him. Love isn’t constricted by the physical realm.
Deep, crazy thinking which I do hope I am make some sense explaining.
So I guess the thing about the unwanted opinion is those words shared at me, were firstly ignorance, because I’m sorry without losing a child you have no idea how it feels. It’s not like losing your parents, sibling or pet (all completely valid and painful I’m not taking away from that) but losing your child the one you thought you would outlive, the one who you had dreams for, the one you raised, cared for. The one who holds your unconditional love it’s different. So whilst I will happily take thoughts, gestures and love unless you have walked this journey I will not accept someone telling me I’m doing it wrong. Grief is a journey and whilst many will walk through similar stages grief is unique to the individual. Heck it’s unique to both the individual and the one you have lost. I mean I thought I knew grief when I lost Livvy but this journey of grieving Daniel is completely different. It should be, I had a different relationships with them both, Livvy and Daniel were different people and my life looks different now and of course I’m different. I’m not the same person I was in 2008 who would be?
I am in no way pretending to be an expert on child loss and grief and to be honest I’m rather p*seed off that I’m having to live this pain again. Believe me, Jesus and I have had words. But I do know me and that means I know how my brain works and what it needs or I know (in this case) to find someone who will allow me to walk through this with support and guidance and patience to allow me space to work through it. I am well aware I’m not a easy person to walk with at the best of times, if there was an Olympic sport in overthinking I would be gold medalist for sure. But even if I was making a complete mess of my journey that’s my mess to create and unless you are pulling me from the edge of the cliff don’t you dare tell me or anyone that they are grieving wrong.
So back to opinions, look we all have them, I’m sure I’ve offered a few unwanted ones. The thing is I hope I do them in love or at least a shared understanding. Yet even when asked for advice on grief i can only offer my own experience. You see grief is unique, it’s mean and unpredictable and whilst it comes from love it often feels like hell. You have to live your own grief journey and I have to live mine.
Yet even beyond grief I wonder if In a world that allows us quick access to others. Where in a minute we can share our thoughts and feelings with others, what if we stepped back just for a minute or two and ask ourselves a few questions
1. Firstly am I speaking in love?
2. Do I have personal experience?
The main one should always be
3. Was I actually asked to share?
Maybe if we all did this the world and especially this online world would be a lot nicer of a place.
As for me I’m going to continue on my journey, I know it’s going to be messy, hard and painful I mean it’s life after all. Yet regardless of the pain I’m yet to face and the heartbreak that is right now ripping into my very being, I am so thankful. Thankful that I got the gift of loving my beautiful boy, so blessed to call the cheeky monster my son.
Daniel you Mommy misses you so so much. Xxx