It is said that when you lose someone you love the hardest moments are the firsts. The first day without them, the first birthday, the first Christmas and the first holiday.
This is my first holiday, first without any children and most heartbreaking the first without Daniel.
The sun shines above me, the waves lap gently at the shore, the birds fly above me. Yet all I feel is this emptiness, the longing.
Longing for my boy.
I’m trying to tell myself he is with me, as I walk across the shoreline, he is with me. As I watch the birds circle the sky, he is with me. As I laugh when the sea gulls pooped on Daddy he laughs with me. Yet pretending is often as painful as the reality. I try to imagine him listening to the waves, feeling the wind as it blows through his hair and his smile, oh his beautiful smile it lights up when he hears the birds in the sky. I’m trying but I’m failing, it hurts so desperately.
I walked into a shop the other day, I saw this beautiful jumper covered in sea life. I found myself searching for a size 7-8 years and the jumper was in my hand before reality hit. Oh how I cried, sobbing in a clothes shop another first for me, but for that spilt second Daniel was with me. For just that moment life made sense once again. Yet the truth fell upon me as the tears fell from my eyes.
Oh my heart I miss him so much.
Alan and I are so lost, finding things to do is easy but it shouldn’t be. I should be checking out accessibility, places to change Daniel and so much more. It took me no time to pack, that isn’t right and our car wasn’t bursting at the seams with equipment and medications. It’s all wrong and I just don’t like it.
I’m honestly tired of people telling me “it’s our time now” the assumption that we didn’t live as we cared for Daniel. The truth is far from that, we lived fully due to our gorgeous boy. We saw the world in more detail as we described it all to Daniel. We got to see the beauty in nature. To hear the dancing tunes of the wind. I don’t care for this new life at all and I feel I never will. This wasn’t my choice, this is far from the reality I dream off. This is painful, an agony in the missing and so very strange. I’m so lost in the surroundings that once were so very familiar.
“You can do all the things you wanted to do” no I can’t because my plans, my dreams all involved Daniel. Yes I could go do them but they won’t be as I wanted them to be.
Different and wrong, broken in the missing.
So as I watch the sunset I try and embrace the beauty. I try to give thanks for the time I had with Daniel, I try because I’m not there yet. I’m so thankful but it wasn’t enough. No where near enough.
So as the sun disappears into the ocean I breathe deeply as I face another first.
My first sunset without my beautiful boy beside me.
Another heartbreaking first
Another first without my beautiful boy.