Melancholy missing

Olivia loved Christmas, she loved the decorations the music, the food. She loved opening her presents and anybody else’s she could get hold of. She loved when family visited as long as it was group at a time, too many overwhelmed and she just enjoyed the magic.

I think back to the Christmas past to when the girls allowed me dress them in matching PJs, fancy outfits for Christmas Day and for the most part I remember the laughter.

We had to change our Christmas tradition a few times, the girl who loved people started to cry and demand that they left. It took us longer than it should of to realise it wasn’t the people that were causing the upset it was the lateness of Christmas dinner that was causing the tears. So we switched our Christmas meal to Christmas Eve and we had grazing food for Christmas Day. Livvy loved grazing food and started to love her grandparents again when food was readily available ha ha.

When we lost her we had to change back to the traditional Christmas Day meal I couldn’t cope with the reason for the first change not being here. The pain of lost made it just too hard to handle.

Livvy loved the tree, a little too much at times but I loved her excitement. If I’m being extremely truthful I find it a little hard how chilled Daniel is to Livvy’s chaos. I know I shouldn’t think this way as every child is different but I think I just miss the excitement the joy. I mean the girls are ok but they are all grown up now and don’t scream with joy when they see Santa spoilsports.

Christmas is different, not a bad different but sometimes a missing different. I have had to take time to find joy in the season again which in all honesty has been a work in progress. I found my joy through the children and Daniel well lazy bum Daniel is just too chill at times.

Gosh does that make me sound awful, I hope not.

Just sometimes I wish I could find someone hiding chocolate biscuits down the side of their wheelchair again, listen to stories of teachers about the same biscuits disappearing in class. I wish I could see that grumpy face when someone put a Christmas hat upon her head and the complete joy of the angel that wouldn’t keep still in the Christmas nativity.

I think the truth be told I miss my Livvy Christmas. Livvy radiated joy, you could never be cross, her sisters got away with murder because as were telling them off she was howling with laughter. Actually Daniel loves it when others get into trouble I have some mean kids ha ha.

I miss her smile as she ripped open the presents often throwing the gifts on the floor for the fun of the wrapping paper. I miss the paint coloured mouth after school had tried to do arts and crafts and Livvy had just tried to eat anything and everything.

I miss singing our Girl Power CD in the car so loud, mostly all American songs that no one else here had heard of. I still play those songs to Daniel. I mean parachute girl is a classic.

I guess I just miss my girl, Christmas isn’t the same without her. It’s different and whilst different is still so special it’s obviously going to come with a little melancholy missing.

So whilst I am so grateful for the memories of Christmas’s that I shared with my beautiful girl. I am allowing myself to miss her a little. To miss her throwing her arms around me and squeezing me tight, yes she may have also been biting my shoulder at the same time but love is love. I miss not having to hide the Christmas biscuits and having to put anything breakable out of her reach. I miss her smile, her energy but most of all I miss her unequivocal joy and the contagious laughter that filled the air.

Right now in the uncertainty of the world, the busyness of life and the gentle Christmas exhaustion focus on the memories. Whatever Christmas may look like for you all this year please embrace it. Make the most of it and fill your memory banks to bursting, because one day these memories will be the gifts you have given yourselves, believe me. It isn’t about the number of presents or the fancy pants decorations it’s about the moments that became memories.

Merry Christmas

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