What is it about the early hours on a hospital ward that makes you feel so alone? Yes there is the hustle and tussle of people in the other rooms, the pacing of the nurses as they walk their endless steps up and down the corridor. Even the constant beeping of the machines all which should make you feel less alone but actually have the opposite effect.
I’m going to be completely vulnerable right now and tell you along with the isolation I feel fear. Right now I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Daniel is doing ok but the residue of previous visits, previous trauma tastes bitter on my tongue.
I can hear Daniel swallowing and for some reason I’m swallowing with him. Anxiety is making my mouth go dry. I’m lonely here in this side room yet I also know I’m not on a holiday and the reality is I’m extremely grateful for the individual room.
I think this is something that parents of children with complexities don’t talk about enough. The fear hospital stays bring with them. The isolation and weight of the world we feel when we are here, but also the echo of past trauma and how even though the situation is different it doesn’t allow us to breathe deep.
My husband tells me to go home and he will stay yet I cannot it just doesn’t feel right, I actually feel like I’m abandoning my boy. He tries to explain that he is also his parent but I’m sorry , I do him an injustice as I cannot hear his words over my own fear.
I guess I don’t know what to say really or why I’m tumbling over these words. I think it’s just awareness that I really want to raise, for all those that watch our stories and seem to think we are used to our hospital stays, immune to our children suffering.
We aren’t, we are trying to hide our fear to calm that of our children’s. We smile and chat with nurses we have come to know and love but in reality would rather not see again. We survive because we have to, but each visit, each stay tears at our fragile veil of pretence.
For me right now the veil is torn, I’m struggling. Please let tomorrow be a better day.