To just miss you.

Sometimes I wish for the innocence of a child. If I ignore it then it will go away, fingers in my ears means I cannot hear it. If I don’t believe then it’s not real.

But it is and I’m not.

My innocence has gone

I tried so hard to hold on but into the ground it went with you.

I mean how do you bury your child then believe the world is a good place?

How does your heart break and you still have hope?

I live a seasaw existence trying to believe through a curtain of pain and missing.

How do I have Hope, when Hope was lost?

It’s been 13 years since I lost you, 13 years to the day the whole world should of ended. How dare this world continue without you a part of it.

Grief is unfair and cruel, spiced with an extra splash of agony.

Time is a healer is the biggest lie, fraudulent words whispering off so many tongues.

I will never accept losing you, your death was not a experience for growth or a period of learning. It’s a evil, awful thing that tortures daily.

Don’t ask me to rise upon it today, today on your anniversary I get to speak my truth. My words not shielded in polite conversation. I’m angry, I’m hurt and I’m furious at God.

Why why why?

Don’t ask me to look at Daniel and be thankful that I have him now. Yes my love for him infinite but one child doesn’t not replace another. Daniel is a unique blessing on his own accord not a replacement for Livvy. That would be unfair to us all. You don’t just pop to the store to replace a child, here you go have a new one,all is better.

Don’t ask me to pretend today, pretend that this world is still a place full of joy and love and light when my brightest light is missing. Don’t tell me she shines in heaven, yes maybe she does but I’m not there and I cannot see it and I’m selfish like that.

Don’t ask me to understand if you have forgotten her or what day this is. Because how bloody dare you, if you were lucky enough to be loved by her how dare you forget that gift.

Screw time moves on or life changes she was a gift that you should forever cherish. I’m not understanding today, not being forgiving I’m raw I’m angry and I don’t understand.

My beautiful beautiful Livvy how can it be 13 years since your light left this world? How can my heart still continue to beat without you. I still feel betrayed by my own body.

I don’t understand why the world continues to turn without you. Why your time was so short? Why why why?

Maybe tomorrow I will find my peace again but today on your anniversary I’m angry, I’m sad and I’m lost without you. 9 and a half years will never be enough.

I know you wouldn’t want pain for me and I do try my sweet child, I do. But the hole in my heart will always be there aching for it’s missing piece.

I know you want me to have joy and maybe tomorrow I will again but today, today I allow myself to be real, to be in truth. To tear down the veil of pretence and grieve you wholeheartedly . To let the missing pour out of my heart, to cry, to shout, to scream, to just miss you my beautiful girl.

To just miss you.

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