It’s 3am, I’m exhausted but my son just cannot settle. The awful panic attack he had earlier today at school is fresh in my mind and on my heart. The constant swallowing he is doing makes me realise we are not fully over it. The professionals are calling it separation anxiety, I just call it heartbreaking.

I hate that his history has such an impact of his future. How lack of care can leave such fear?

I’ve read the adoption books, studied to degree level the trauma publications, but none cover him. The complex medical missing in the pages of attachment and trauma. I guess children with complex needs don’t suffer with emotional issues, cue a eye roll of frustration here.

It’s strange but sometimes I feel guilt for not being there at his birth, absurd I know but how my mama’s heart wished he had never to feel unsafe, alone, abandoned. I do wonder if other adopted parents feel this way? I know it’s not rational but love and rationality don’t always go hand in hand.

Oh my heart, how I love my boy, my exhaustion right now pales in my love for this sweet sweet boy. Oh how I wish my love could stop the pain, would take away all fear.

My arms ache, he isn’t a baby anymore, his weight is heavy on my shoulders. His fear is heavy on my heart.

I can hear his breathing now, he is falling deeper into sleep. I need to follow him tomorrow is a busy day.

I’ve spent sometime tonight praying over him, my prayers seem to bring him peace. I ask God to heal his fragile heart, to take away his fear but mostly I give thanks that he found me. Thanking God for the honour of caring for him and the gift of loving him.

Joining in again with five minute Friday.

6 thoughts on “Care

  1. What a beautiful boy! I loved your photo. What a wonderful loving mother. It is heartbreaking to see someone we love in pain. But God loves that little boy even more than you do. That is why he chose you to be his mother. Read everything you can about separation anxiety and attachment disorder and just keep praying and loving that sweet little boy. God will take care of him.
    ❤️Terri D
    #8 FMF He Wipes My Tears Away

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Joanne Viola

    Oh how precious he is! Praying for the Lord to fill him with peace and assurance of your love and constant presence even when you are apart. And may He fill your mama heart with the assurance you were handpicked to be his mom, and you will fulfill that purpose as you lean on God. Praying for you both now.


  3. I do not know what you’ve been through,
    the why, the when and how,
    but I hope you know it’s true
    that babe, I love you now.
    I cannot cure your memories,
    nor pacify your dreams,
    nor fight, for you, your enemies,
    and though sometimes it seems
    to you that you are all alone,
    and on no-one’s mind,
    I pray you hear my gentle tone
    and know I stand behind
    you right unto the very end
    for you have my heart, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Awww. It’s sooooo hard when our children hurt–even if they’re 35. We are called to pray over them, keep pushing for answers, and caring with the strength God promises. He sorrows along with you.


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