I have a confession to make, if one more person tells me to take better care of myself I may scream. I mean when and how?
From March last year my husband and I have been literally managing my sons 24 hour care between us and even now we have support of 6 hours a week, 6 in a 168 hour week doesn’t go far I am exhausted beyond measure, emotionally shattered and in all honesty lost with the world.
Yet when I speak up or mention I am tired people often offer me ways to show myself some self care. In fact it’s become to a point where I am now feeling guilty for not being able to give myself some self care time. Disclaimer here, I know every suggestion is meant with kindness but please come on. Right now my whole hope is to find time to grab a shower and maybe go have a wee in peace.
You see whilst the pandemic stopped the carers coming in, stopped the services from supporting me it didn’t stop my sons needs. It didn’t miraculously take his 24 hour care plan away with it.
Believe me a day where I could curl up with my book without a background of monitors, medications and actually my gorgeous boy does sound bliss but with the again rising numbers this sounds further and further away.
I do really appreciate the kindness but before you offer someone a suggestion of self care please think twice . If you do really want to help someone like myself maybe offer to do some ironing, pop to shops, the pharmacy something, anything that lifts the load a little.
This pandemic has left me with so much guilt it’s awful, I feel like I am letting everyone down. My son am I home educating enough, have I done enough physiotherapy, did we play enough, did I moan a little too much out of exhaustion? My daughters am I keeping up with their lives, did I remember to call them back, am I being there enough? My husband, when was the last time I told him I appreciated him, am I snapping a little too often in exhaustion, where did my patience go? As for my friends, I am here I promise, I just well I just don’t have enough left.
So as you can see I have enough self hate at the moment as it is, if I can avoid not adding my failure to self care to this endless list I really would appreciate it. It’s not the concept of self care I have a problem with I just cannot make the time to make it happen and this right now just feels like the theme tune to my life.