I wonder what life would be if we could just press a button and put it on pause.

Would it allow us to catch our breaths, give us time to process or would it just delay emotions from that we cannot hide?

Yet who in the world would really want to pause 2020? Aren’t most of us wishing it away as quick as possible but the reality is until the virus goes away 2021 isn’t going to be that much easier.

Yet how about those that have given birth this year do they want to pause those first moments with their child or cherish the beautiful progression of growth?

Those whose loved ones are leaving us would they pause just to hold on for a moment or two more?

I honestly believe at times I would have paused my life back in 2008, weeks months or moments before I lost my beautiful daughter, seconds before my was heart was broken. Would I have paused just to hold her there?

Would that be right?

Would that have been fair?

What I’m learning is that life has to be lived, it has to play out all the notes that create the beautiful and sometimes tragic melodies of life. Unique symphonies for each and everyone of us.

That hitting pause button would stop the song playing yet it would not change the notes of the melody.

Still the idea of just holding on to a moment is something I have desperately craved but what happens when you press pause on the TV or a song, nothing just silence.

So regardless of the desire to hold my daughter once again I accept that her earthly melody has finished, but I do let my mind imagine how wonderful her heavenly one will be.

Its been 12 years since Olivia passed yes 12 years, 4883 days, each one so full of missing, so full of pain yet in a strange but beautiful way have been so full of joy.

I have so many beautiful memories to share of Livvy, every new person who enters into my life becomes a new heart to introduce her too. The hours I’ve spend with Daniel telling him about his incredible mischievous sister and all the wonderful moments she gave me. Though this may sound crazy but I’m sure he looks at me to say “yes mom I met her”. It fact if you forgive my brain waffling away i’m sure she send him to me.

Life is strange and whilst I write about about a song being allowed to play its own tune if I could just go back and pause 2008 before that fateful night,  just pause if only on the night before when her giggle filled the air like the sparkles from fireworks making us all feel happy and so blessed. Just stop there for one more hug, one more chance to hold her sweet soft hand in mine, one more opportunity to tell her how much I love her. I would pause in heartbeat, maybe for just a moment or in reality until the timer ran out but just for one beautiful moment my heart and my arms would be holding my beautiful Livvy once again, yes I would pause.

Yet I know I cannot and I know it is not meant to be, I mean a song isn’t the same if you don’t get to listen to all the beautiful melodies that it holds. I got to listen, watch and love Livvy’s song and know one day I will hold, see and hear the sweet notes of her unique wonderous melody again.

The song of my beautiful daughter

Livvys song.