Kaleidoscope of life.

I’m lying here next to Daniel and I’m watching him sleep. It’s not really the best way to spend my time I should be sleeping beside him but my anxiety is high tonight and somehow watching the rise and fall of his chest brings me peace.

The world still feels crazy right and now we are officially out of lockdown yet to be honest i’m more nervous than ever. The idea of being out and around people just makes me feel ill.

I wonder if i will ever feel normal again, if I will ever be able to go into a shopping centre and see people not virus’s everywhere?

I worry I’ve changed too much, that my desire to be surrounded by others is lost forever. Or will the anxiety fall with the lowering numbers?

I know I’m not alone, so many peopld have been effected by Covid 19. Physically or mentally the damage is vast and deep.

I’ve learned to allow myself to have days where I acknowledge my fear and my anxiety, something I used to struggle to do. Instead of trying to hide it away, i’m allowing my mind and body to be kind to itself. Ive been such a slow learner in this, I’ve hated myself for my anxiety, mocked my own weakness. I should have been stronger, I should have more faith, I should have…

I know now that I do have,

I do have strength and each day I show up.

I am strong,

I have faith, even the most devoted cry out to God at times. We aren’t supposed to live in isolation, God wants us to cry out to him. To give him all our fears.

Transparency is strength and it is also hope. Hope to others that they are not alone in their worries and fears. My openess has allowed me to realise i’m not the only one to feel this heaviness. My vulnerability has allowed others to say ” me too.”

I dont know what the future holds, each day the picture changes. A kaleidoscope of millions of pieces changing with a turn of a moment. But like the kaleidoscope the pieces fall into place creating a beautiful picture.

Anxiety, fear, pain, uncertainty are all just pieces of our final beautiful picture.

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