Sometimes I cannot write, the words I wish to share do not form in my mind. I worry I’ve lost my way, concerned that the freedom I find in my words is lost forever.
Then I realise it’s not just writing I cannot do, reading, learning, being sociable all seem to be disappearing somewhere.
This may sound crazy but I have been doubting my own mind, who am I if I’m not doing all my normal things?
Then I realised that I’m not, not doing these things by choice. I haven’t made a conscience decsion to change who I am, no far from it. The truth is I have been invaded, my whole body and mind has been consumed by exhaustion.
I said to someone the other day I’m tired. Bless them they did not hear me, well they did but not really if that makes any sense. They seemed to acknowledge the sentiment and shared how their week had been tiring too. Obviously I was and are empathic to this but I really just wanted to say something more…
I’m tired, not just a week tired or I’ve had a few late nights tired. I’m about three years worth of tired.
I love my son with all my heart but due to his very complex needs he has an intensive 24 hours care plan which on the good days allows me a couple of hours at a time of sleep, on a bad night well, lets not go there.
I dream, yes I know that statement is ironic, but yes I dream of one night of pure oblivion sleep. One without medications, one without monitors, one without two hourly pad changes. I’m sorry if this sounds mean but I’m shattered.
For a long time I’ve not allowed myself to wish for this, the guilt completely breaking my heart. What kind of Mom am I wishing for a night of sleep? I know only to well how great is the gift that I get to love upon my child and how thankful I am when many others arms are empty. When my own arms ache to love upon his big sister, but I’m bone weary.
Actually in all honesty I don’t know why I’m sharing this, why I felt the need to write these feelings down. I know writing it down here does not change anything.
Yet in a way it does. I’m trying to challenge the thoughts and feelings that often control my mind. I’m learning to understand that beating up on myself isn’t good. I’m working on realising that all bad things that happen are not actually my fault and I’m trying, really trying to value who I am. So writing this post here is me being open and honest and realising that actually it’s ok to say you are tired, it’s ok to say you crave sleep. It does not take away your ability as a Mother, it does not mean you don’t love your child.
It simply means you are human, that I am human and human beings need sleep.