No, I’m not used to it.

Daniel is having surgery tomorrow and my mind and my heart are in pieces. Whilst I know it’s all for the best reasons my little boy is still going under anaesthetic, he is still at risk.

Yet I often find the comments I receive to be less than what I hoped.

“You are used to it,” He has had many operations, It’s only a simple operation.

The list goes on.

Is there really an understanding that the more I have to face as a medical mom the less it hurts, the less fear I feel?

Let me explain something to you as a medical mom I actually find that it’s worse, I know too much.

If Daniel is ill I don’t find myself reassured by Drs, I know how quick life can change and I question. I want, I need to see the numbers, want to read the results. Take for example a few weeks ago when Daniel had sepsis I asked for a blood test that showed his rising infection marker. Why because I know only too well how quick an Infection can take over Daniel. How quick a little chest infection can turn serious. I actually sometimes pray for the days when I never understood the results never knew what the looks Drs give each other meant or what the next stage in a treatment is. I miss the innocence of ignorance.

Tomorrow I know that surgery, any surgery is a risk. I understand that Daniel’s condition makes him extremely vulnerable and it scares me silly.

I dont become numb to the feelings of handing my son over to the surgeon. I dont ever find it easier as times go on. I will still leave that operating rooms in tears, praying beyond hope that all goes well. Trying with all my heart to trust in the surgeon and the amazing team around him, praying with my heart and soul that God watches over him. It’s not easier and I will never get used to it.

“He has had number of operations now, he is a professional “

Yes my son has been under anaesthetic over 28 times that I can count and hopefully some of those he was to young to remember but it’s never been a pleasant experience for him. A day in surgery isn’t like a day at the park. Surgery brings with it fear, separation anxiety and most often pain. He is 4 years old far from the professional. Please dont trivalise what he goes through.

Its only a simple operation, I have had it done, my kids have had it done.

Yes all of the above, tonsils isn’t classed as a major operation but it Is an airway operation with risks involved but most of all please return to the previous paragraphs it’s my little boy having surgery its going to be my boy at risk and its going to be my boy in pain.

I dont understand at times how Daniel’s complexities mean less compassion. Does the fact that he has all these conditions separate him from the empathy given to others?

Honestly I could drone on about this subject for a long time and extend in so many ways but not now. Not now when my internal filter is broken and I may say more than I wish. Fear is twisting me up inside.

Tomorrow is about Daniel, about praying hard that all goes well. It’s about fighting the fear that tries to invade my brain and it’s about being there when my boy opens his eyes telling him I’m right here and I love you and boy, I do love you.

2 thoughts on “No, I’m not used to it.

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