Daniel has been adopted now for over a year and because of this it was time for the social workers to step out of our lives and allow us to move forward as a normal family. Part of the adoption support was the creation of a life-story book for Daniel and what they call a later in life letter, a synopsis of what had happened and how he became to be adopted. These letters are the child’s right to know their history to be given to them when they are at an age of understanding.
Daniel’s letter broke my heart, I thought I knew most of Daniel’s journey, but I hadn’t a clue. I knew he had faced numerous medical procedures but 26 operations before his 2ndbirthday, well that simply sucks. The number of foster placements he had and the amount of time he spent in hospital all more than one child should ever have had to face. The pain and the fear he must have felt is something I have really struggled with over the last week or so.
Livvy faced a lot in her life, regression, seizures, breathing issues and more but throughout all this she knew we were there for her, knew how much she was loved. Livvy understood that we were walking alongside her and that she didn’t have to face anything alone. It’s this I am struggling with for Daniel, how alone did he feel?
My faith is my strength but for the last two weeks I have been so angry at God and at the world.
It’s a strange situation I have found myself to be in, everything has really got to me and I have found myself raging over the stupidest of things. I was angry at Alan for being seemingly ok over this new found knowledge, angry at family members for not grasping how hard this is, not wanting to acknowledge what he had faced and even angry at complete strangers who would moan of the simplest of things, wanting to scream “What the heck, try living his life for a moment”.
Being angry at God is something I struggle with, it just feels wrong, yet I was so, so very furious at him.
If we were to be part of Daniel’s future, why the heck couldn’t he have gotten him to us earlier?
Why so many operations?
Why so much pain?
Why so much fear?
Yesterday I was sitting in church listening to the worship when the words being sung finally started to sink into my soul and I realised that ;
Daniel was never abandoned by God,
God never left him.
Right there in those numerous operating rooms God was with him, as he fought against the brain bleeds and the meningitis God was with him, and when professionals were making decisions for his future, God was with them.
Daniel was never alone.
Daniel was never on his own.
When we received the call asking us to have a fostering placement for a weekend God was with us. He was in the Yes that I found myself saying, he was the one that placed adoption on my heart so many years ago ready for Daniel.
I still don’t understand why Daniel has had to face so much, just like I will never understand why I had to lose Livvy, but I do know without a shadow of a doubt that God is with us always.
As the words of the worship began to soothe my heart I realised I was free from the anger that was consuming me. Free from the what if’s and free from the past I couldn’t change.
I was overwhelmed by how much God loves Daniel and me. How blessed I am that however hard Daniel’s journey has been we are so very blessed to have found each other.
I don’t have all the answers but that’s ok, I have faith and God’s promise.
I actually shared this at church yesterday, something which scared me like crazy, but I am so glad I did, because Daniel’s story and my story of fear and anger actually spoke to a number of people and they shared their journeys with me. Their sharing allowed me to realise that whilst I don’t believe things have to happen for a reason, beauty can be found in ashes. How many of us have felt completely alone and so far from God? It’s hard in the midst of pain to remember the promise that we are never alone.
Daniels past is not all of his story.
Every day is a new page yet to be written and I am so lucky I get to be part of his story.
I get to see all that God has planned for Daniel, the hearts he will fill, the spirits he will move and the smiles he will bring.
My boy will change the world.
I’m so thankful I get to be his Mom and I’m so excited for his next chapter.
Let’s get writing