I wonder if I am the only person who self analyses themselves daily? I sit in bed each night wondering if the decisions of the day were the right ones or if I could have done something different or better. Yes these self refections sessions often do turn to self judgement but its something I have always done and at my age I cannot imagine me stopping.
Yet since the beginning of this year I have seen a change in the way I reflect upon myself.
I am finally allowing myself some space, I’ve become intentional in the decisions that I am making. Saying yes when I only actually wish to do something, saying No when I need to.
I’m learning to give myself peace, switching off from social media, leaving emails to the next day. I am finally understanding that I can not be all things to all people, I have to focus on the roles that fill my heart.
This is a massive emotional step forward for me, so often I have said yes not because I have wanted to but because I have not wanted to upset another, to let others down. Finding myself stretched and exhausted and often extremely unhappy.
I am learning its ok to sit with a baby in your arms and just breathe in their innocent smell. To veg on the sofa and watch too many episodes of the big bang theory, to relax in a bath until the water goes cold.
I’m realising that my body needs rest, that if the baby is awake through the night that the care hours can be used to sleep and recharge.
Its been a journey of intention and one that has made me smile a lot more.
How did i get to the place where self care felt wrong. That by taking care of myself I was being selfish and lazy? How did I let myself down so often?
I don’t know, or maybe I do but just don’t want to face it right now. Maybe that in itself is self care, sometimes its okay to just move forward without having to understand the past.
So 2018 I am moving forward, being kind to others and myself.
Intentional self care.