Sometimes i feel confused by the world. It’s as if my compass has lost its true north. My heart is yearning for something but I have no idea what.
I like plans, i like directions i don’t like this feeling of waiting.
I’m not the most patient of people, the whole adoption process was agonising for me. Waiting for others to do their parts or for reports to come back in was the most frustrating . I was told it should be easier for me as I had Daniel already but having a child on a foster placement is very different to having a son.
I’m wondering if this is why I am uneasy now. The adoption is complete and my beautiful boy is ours. I’ve finished my degree and my time is my own again (well as much as your time is ever your own when you are a mom). So i’m lost.
I just love being busy, I love having my brain occupied, being challenged. As much as I panic about not being able to cope I am fulfilled when life is full. It’s who I am, my body often cannot keep up with my brain and my energy often gets exhausted by my will but its me, its what makes me tick.
So waiting isn’t good for me, in fact in drives me insane. Yet one thing I have taken from the adoption process and fostering in general is that not everyone works at my pace. That others have other priorities and thats something I have to accept. Again this isn’t easy, I expect everyone to work to the same principles as me. If i say i’m going to do something i do it. If i give you a time frame I stick to it. Patience, acceptance i have to really work hard on those in situations like this.
Yet as I have said many times before I am a work in process and far from perfect.
“Own worst enemy” was my husbands comment the other day, he believes in time for relaxation and rest he struggles to understand that being busy and having my mind stimulated is my idea of relaxation. Yet after 22 years of being together he has learned just to listen to me go on and supports me in all that i do.
So whats next for me, what does God have planned and where am I heading? I guess with the summer holidays it won’t be far from the kids as they are certainly going to be keeping me busy, but who knows?
I’m ready and waiting for the next adventure thats for sure