I was ready to give up blogging. Preparing myself to put down the keyboard and walk away. I was tired of fighting to be heard in an ever increasing mass of voices. Exhausted by the endless distractions of reviews and giveaways.
It began to feel like a collective gaggle of the same old same old.
It didn’t feel like it used to. The pressure of statistics and keywords and SEO was drowning out my voice. It was as if my authenticity didn’t have a place.
I’m sure I wasn’t alone in this as i had slowly seen writers disappear from the ether. Returning to the privacy of their journals and the silence of their mind.
I was so close to joining them, so close to deciding enough was enough and allowing my blog to come to end. I couldn’t seem to grasp reasons for continuing or being able to validate the time needed.
I casually mentioned this decision to my husband who for some reason has never understood how the blogging world worked or to be honest never worried about the how. I told him I was tired of chasing opportunities, receiving emails that were insulting to my time, my worth. He was rather surprised at my thoughts and told me he would miss my words. I thought the sentiment was sweet but was it enough to continue when about five minutes later he turned to me and asked. ” why did you start blogging in the beginning”.
Why in 2008 did I feel the urge to share my words?
I remembered my first blog posts, I never wrote them worried about readers or views. I never had concerned myself with the number of shares the post recieved or the keywords it held. In fact at that time i didn’t even know of SEO (not much progress on that anyhow). I wrote to share my life, to share the struggles and the joy of raising a family. To be transparent in the life of a mom of a child with disabilities, the fear, the heartbreak but mostly the laughter. The achieving of moments that we will cherish forever. The can do’s and the never say never’s.
My blog is a wonderful journal of memories. A incredible source of my heart. Yet how and why have Iet myself become so jaded and lost?
Somehow along the way I had started judging myself against others. Distracting myself from my truth with judgement and envy.
Why do my photographs never look that good?
Why couldn’t i explain that better?
Why didnt I get invited to that event, asked to apply for that opportunity?
Why and how became “you aren’t good enough”,your words suck and everyone is happier, prettier and generally better than you.
Every word I was writing was filled with fear of judgement. Every photograph waiting to be mocked.
I realised that comparison was stealing my joy.
I had a decision to make, I could stop right here, right now or I could reclaim my joy.
This new home is my declaration of my joy.
This new blog is my celebration of my renewed love of words.
This blog is mine, it’s a place where I will capture my moments.
Where I will celebrate the adoption of my beautiful new son, where I can journal his wonderful life and our journey together.
My blog is simply that,my blog.
It’s my heart in words.
How can I compare it with others when no journey is ever the same?
The blogging world is changing at a rapid speed and that’s ok, life is and always will be ever evolving.
I will seek validation only in the happiness of my family.