I’m still falling,

The air is whizzing past me at a 100 miles an hour.

My chest is still tight as gravity constricts my breath.

My heart is still slowly crumbling.

Down into the abyss, into the darkness, into grief.

18 years ago they laid my daughter in my arms, our faces full of expectation, full of hope.

Our precious wonderful gift.

New life is such a celebration, tied up in that pink bundle was a lifetime of hopes and dreams.

A lifetime that would surpass decades,milestones, moments and memories.

I didn’t know then that a decade was never to be reached. That on the very cusp we would be robbed.

Not one, never. 

My daughter should have been 18 today. 

That precious pink bundle should be walking into adulthood.

Preparing for her own lifetime of moments and memories.

We should have been celebrating today, watching her sample her first legal taste of alcohol. Having political discussions on how she would use her new power to vote in the upcoming elections.

I should have been able to hold her close whilst promising to allow her to open her wings and fly.

I wonder what she would have been like at 18?

How she would have grown and changed.

I struggle to see how she would have looked, sounded.

I so wish I had got to see her grow, to see her become the woman she so deserved to be.

I’m consumed by a mixture of joy and anger right now.

A cocktail of thankfulness and grief.

I am so very blessed that I got to be Livvy’s mom but I’m so angry that time was not on our side.

I am so very thankful that I got to share nine incredible years walking alongside this amazing, fearless beautiful girl but i’m so consumed by the missing.

It is said “ It is better to have loved and lost” and yes I do heartily agree with this statement but it would have been even better to have loved and loved.

Happy birthday my sweet Livvy.

Happy heavenly 18th my gorgeous girl.