I sometimes wonder about how I do life and if I’ve got it all completely wrong.
You see life hurts like crazy at times,
It soars to great heights and then to some truly awful lows.
Its scary and it’s so raw that I wonder why I do this to myself?
You see it would be so much easier if I didn’t open my heart so easily, if I shut down my emotions. If I stopped walking forward heart first and allowed my head to take the lead now and again.
I love to love but loving can leave you sore and damaged and burned. Yet for some crazy reason even when scorched I still love forward.
Am I my own worst enemy?
I know this sounds crazy but for a moment over the Easter weekend I wanted to be a post office attendant.
I was there in my local town post office picking up a parcel and as I normally do I got chatting to the people around me and the lady serving me. When I asked her if she had plans for the Easter holidays she replied with a massive smile “no”. She was planning on finishing work going home and doing nothing just relaxing for a few days. She was so excited and looking forward to having nothing to do and right then and there I wanted to be her. Now let’s be realistic here I don’t know this lady. She may have a stack of issues to deal with and life may be far from perfect but in that moment I wanted to be her. I wanted to do nothing.
I wanted to do nothing
Worry about nothing
I wanted to have a job which I could leave at the office and come home and do nothing.
As I thanked the post office lady for my parcel I smiled and walked away actually thinking jammy cow. I was actually peeved at the woman for not having to do anything.
I was jealous at her and frustrated with myself.
Why don’t I make life easier for myself?
How do I get myself here?
Why do I may the choices I do?
As I walked away from that post office I found myself laughing at myself, giggling at my reaction.
I reminded myself that yes whilst I may be completly exhausted at times, I am never unfulfilled.
That whilst often my brain feels like it may explode, one smile from my children can make it all seem worthwhile.
Thats whilst I honestly have no idea how I got where I am, it feels right.
I do hope that post office lady had a weekend of rest and relaxation and I hope it was exactly what she needed, mine was very different. It was hard, tiring and at times to messy but it was mine and it that it was perfection for me.
I may not choose the easy pathway in life but i know I have chosen the right one for me.
Yes I may crave a day of nothing now and again but I will never swap my life for another.
Because somehow my life became perfect for me.