Mother’s Day the day of the year where my children get to spoil me and make me feel special. A day they have always enjoyed, excited to celebrate me.

So why do I feel like I’m letting them down on this day? 

You see Mother’s Day is hard for me, as much as I love my kids to their very bones and know how special it is to have a new son to celebrate it with this year my heart still aches for my missing piece, my beautiful Livvy. 

I hate that I feel that I’m shortchanging my children. 

That my smile may not actually reach my eyes. 

You see days like this that are about family and love , but sometimes it just drives home how far away Livvy is. 

You see grief doesn’t play fair, it won’t hide away when you want to celebrate. It won’t stay buried when you want to feel joy. 

Grief is mean and jealous. 

I used to think grief was something I could work my way through. 

You can’t

Grief doesn’t allow you freedom to leave.

Why does grief have to cast its darkness on a day that should be filled with light?

Why am I struggling this weekend?

Why should today be any different? 

Why does this day have to be so painful? 

Because it is Mother’s Day 

And I’m a mom 

A mom who cannot hold one of her children.