Yesterday the world just didn’t make sense. My heart and my head just couldn’t stay on the same page. I screamed, I cried. I was angry, I was sad and for a while I didn’t know why.
Why was this day so hard?
Then I caught the date on my phone December 3rd,
As I read that number it hid home with a gigantic bang.
How could I have not realised, how could I have not remembered?
What kind of mother am I ?
Forgetting the day I buried my daughter.
If I close my eyes I can recall that December day. It was cold but yet the sun lite up the winter sky, warm rays dancing on the icy floor.
Frost sparkling like a carpet of diamonds fit for a princess, my princess.
You know It’s not in any parenting books, or on any websites. There are no handbooks on how to bury your child.
You wander through it all in daze, making decisions you have no desire to make. The colour of the casket, the silk that lines it. What does she wear? Oh the irony of it all, does it actually really matter?
Yet matter it did, from the brand new cardigan that Nanna travelled to fetch to the choosing of her special toys, it all mattered, it mattered desperately.
I wanted it perfect, I needed it to be perfect.
It was all I could do, all I had left to do.
I don’t really remember the words that was spoken or even the memories we shared.
All I really remember is the weight, the weight that consumed me, my feet feeling lead lined not wanting to move. To leave, to leave my beautiful girl behind.
I kept on at myself “she isn’t there” “she has already gone”. Yet in that casket laid my last physical connection with my daughter and everyone is telling me I have to move, I have to leave.
I held on tight to my youngest hands as I left that chapel, scared to let her or her sisters out of my sight. Wanting to hold on tight to them and never ever let go.
I was empty, I was lost.
Walking through the pleasantries, shared moments, warm hugs.
Yet nothing was ever going to be the same again.
I would never be whole again.
I left part of my heart behind in December 3rd 2008 and whilst the brokenness has started to heal I will also have a missing piece.
A beautiful blond wild haired missing piece.
My girl, my Livvy,
Forever in my heart, forever my daughter.