Behind the smile.

I sat there watching the video on the big screen, aware that people were looking towards me waiting for my reaction. Would I tear up, would I be smiling, how proud would I be?  My heart was  pounding deep inside my chest, I could actually hear it in my ears as if it was echoing on my chest .

I had to smile, I had to pretend.

Yes I was so proud, so excited for my baby girl but I was also so angry that life was this way.

You see I had done what I thought I should of,

Ok I never expected to have a child with a severe disability, it had never crossed my mind, in my wildest dreams I would have never have considered it. But I owned it, I learned all that I could, I embraced my new life, tried to be positive, to live with purpose, to make the magic in the moments.

But it still wasn’t enough

And that, well that makes me angry.

I didn’t mind caring for Livvy, I never stressed over the endless hospital visits or the lack of sleep. I embraced it, because that was what she needed, what I needed to do to love on my daughter. I did it,

I learned to love the life I didn’t choose. 

But it wasn’t enough.

Life just doesn’t play fair, it doesn’t matter how many times you roll with the punches, accept the destination changes, breathe in deep the new life.

Sometimes the rug just gets pulled out from under your feet. 

Your world just crumbles.

So yes whilst I was so proud of Brodie and her award, sitting there listening to her talk about losing Livvy didn’t make me sad it just made me angry.

I was angry that she had to lose her sister,

Furious that she had to feel so much pain


Crazy that I had to bury my daughter.

Time doesn’t make losing a child easier, I can tell you right now almost 8 years can sometimes feel like almost 8 days.

It hurts,

It’s that moment of repeated realisation that she is never coming back,

That I won’t hold her again.

Its a symphony of emotions that I still have to learn to play.

Anger, sadness, missing, love, joy, gratefulness and hope.

But I will continue to practice my notes, trying and trying again.

Because although pain, anger may play a big part of this production called life, the greatest character, the biggest influence will always be love.

And love is always enough to create the greatest of masterpieces. 


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