Over the last few months I have found myself returning to a place I had worked hard to come from.
I was struggling and my “go to” was my return to my closed off world,
Here I was again detaching myself.
I heard myself turning away opportunities to connect, to be part of something, to be.
I hate this about myself,
I know the anxiety of the adoption approval was on my mind but I hate that I was letting fear win.
Fear eats you up inside, insecurity, distrust, lack of faith, all things of which I know better.
Yet sometimes even knowing better doesn’t help.
Growing up I often felt disconnected from this world, as if I was placed here from another planet. Yes, I know this sounds strange but I truly felt ,“Not of this world”. This didn’t mean I believed I was an alien with superpowers just that something was strange about me. This followed me into my teenage years in which I struggled greatly. Lack of self confidence, self belief, the rollercoaster of growth, the endless search for identity.
Meeting my husband and having my children allowed me to feel whole, to feel complete. From the f moment I first held my daughter in my arms I felt grounded, I felt true. Being a mom surprised me in more ways than I could imagine, the joy of having such a precious gift, the fear of keeping them safe. Motherhood, no parenthood is so frightening yet so rewarding. All you want in the world is to watch these gifts grow, to keep them safe, to see them realise their dreams.
Losing Olivia did take some of this completeness away from me.
I didn’t get to see her grow past 9 years, I could not keep her safe and I can only pray that she got to live some of her dreams.
This hurts and at times it’s this pain that returns me to my feelings of disconnection.
Anxiety rears its evil head and fear starts to play games with my heart.
Yet having Olivia taught me that fear cannot and will not win
Because even in the darkness there will always be light.
I may have only got to hold Livvy for nine years
But I got to hold Livvy for nine years.
I got to be the mom of one amazing, incredible, inspiring young lady.
I get to be the mom of three other equally incredible inspiring young women
And one day soon I will get to be officially mom to one incredible baby boy.
Fear won’t win, fear cannot win because love will always overcome.
I may get lost at times and I may sometimes feel “ not of this world” but thats ok because I truly believe that our journey on this earth is only part of package. Maybe my heart has always been in two places, maybe my soul has always flew outside the gravity barriers, who knows.
What I do know is that love is the essence of life and whilst the ribbons of love are tied around my family I will always be connected.