So as we head towards Christmas I am finding myself at a familiar crossroads.

Which way do I turn, which road do I take?

You see since the death of my daughter in November 2008 Christmas has just never been the same. The traditions we had started to help her cope with the busyness of the season seem redundant without her.

The laughter that followed from her joy of the annoying singing Santa is lost. The Santa just sings and yes he is still as annoying but it’s so not funny anymore.

How I miss the joy she breathed into the season.

How the commercialism of Christmas never touched her, just pure love and laughter.

Oh how I miss her.

So back to the crossroads, back to choosing the way to turn.

I’m struggling to be as I know she would want to me to be. Full of the love and laughter Livvy would cherish.

Taking the road full of Christmas cheer.

Yet to be truthful the road of sadness is calling to me loudly.

The turning of missing is the path my internal SatNav wants to travel.

Wishing for the Christmas’s past when my heart was whole. When my girls numbered four and when life made sense.

It’s so hard,

Sometimes I just want to allow myself to stay in my grief to follow the endless miles of hopelessness.

Yet I know I cannot.

How could I honour the one who brought me joy by only sharing sadness.

I will smile, I will laugh, I will make new traditions. I will celebrate the season as it should be,

but between you and I it’s not the same and it never will be.

The season is like my heart, missing  a very special piece.