Seven years too long.

I rose from my sleep to the sound of my youngest crying, large pain filled sobs filled the air. I went to her bedside and she just held me close. The tears didn’t stop, each one choking her voice. I didn’t want then to ask what was a matter, I just waited for the sorrow to allow her to speak.

“ I’m forgetting her mom”

These four words struck me hard in the pit of my stomach, “ I was trying to remember her favourite song, the one we had to listen to so many times, but I cannot remember it”.

“I don’t want to forget her, I need to remember everything to keep her alive in my heart.”

Alive, it has been seven long years since my precious girl was alive.

Seven grief drowned years since the blue of her eyes sparkled with mischievousness.

Since those sweet dimpled red rosy cheeks smiled up at me.

I’m scared too, I’m so frighted that each day that passes without her is another step in the gulf between us.

My mind trembles over the memories, reaching out into the depths for the moments.

I want to reach out and hold her hands in mine, those soft silky hands with her long twisty fingers.

I want to hold her close and smell the fruity fragrance of her favourite shampoo.

I want to close my eyes and hear her sweet giggle as it washes over me.

I’m scared too.

I’m so desperately scared that I will forget one precious moment I shared with her.

Forget how it felt to hold her.

Forget how it felt to love her.

Seven years is simply seven years too long.

I was only wondering the other day about memories and how many the brain can actually hold.

I was fearful that my mind would save those that didn’t matter and lose those that do.

I don’t want to remember song lyrics or days at work, I want to remember my beautiful daughter, my Livvy.

I only have nine and a half years to hold onto to, please let me keep them all.

I want to remember everything and anything, from snotty noses to belly laughs I want them all.

Like Brodie I want to know the words to her favourite songs to see her dancing along to her favourite tune.

Please don’t let me forget.

Seven years

How in the world has it been seven years?

Time seems to have made no impact on my broken heart.

Still it calls out for her,

The calendar says seven years has passed

But my arms still ache to hold her.

My lap yearns to feel her upon it.

I hold her sister in my arms and we just allow our tears to fall, then Brodie turns to me and says “parachute girl, flies over the world and jumps up out of the airplane