I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about acceptance. How’s it’s something we give yet also something we crave.
I’ve know since i first became aware of my feelings that I have desperately needed to feel accepted.
That I will bend myself backwards, inside and out just feel part of a group. Only then to find myself not truly being me and still feeling lonely in a crowd.
I look for others approval in all I do.
My self worth is handed over to others only measured by what they feedback to me.
I find myself looking in the mirror feeling rather gorgeous only to start self hating if my husband or friends don’t compliment me.
It’s not about my ego it’s my lack of self belief, self worth.
The other day I was on a high due to the publishing of my post over on Huff post. But slowly it ebbed away as the one person I wanted to be proud of me said nothing.
It’s a rollercoaster of expectation drowning in acceptance.
Yet what I have started to realise is that acceptance starts with me. That I hold the power of self acceptance and that it’s not fair to give it away.
It’s not fair to expect others to realise what I need. It’s not fair to myself to allow others opinions of me form my identity.
Easy said than done though isn’t it.
With a society telling us what size to be, what food to eat, what roles we should play, it isn’t easy to find your soft small voice in the rapturous noise.
But it’s something I really need to aim for.
I want to hear my heart tell me well done, congratulations and you go girl.
I want to hear this first.
I want to learn how to accept compliments when given or learning to not give a shit when they aren’t.
Maybe it’s something to do with getting older, about realising that you cannot please all people at the same time.
I’m not sure but what I do know is that I am proud of myself at times. I’ve worked hard for all that I have achieved and will continue to do so in the future.