I was restless last night as I sat and tried to catch up with my weekly television programmes. I just couldn’t relax and I didn’t know why.
I checked the oven, the doors and my diary but I just couldn’t work out what I was missing.
Then it hit me.
I was listening out for Livvy, somehow I had stepped back in time to seven years ago. The Friday night ritual of Alan going out for the evening and me staying in caring for Livvy.
My mind was listening out for her noises. Her gentle snores or crazy giggles.
I was even waiting to eat with my sister and have one our much missed Friday night chats.
For those few moments I was in my before time.
Before my heart broke.
Still I wasn’t allowed to stay for long.
Only seconds later the pain overwhelmed me.
Like shadows slowly consuming the light.
My heart was beating so swiftly, my brain pounding against my skull.
Raw open wounds.
I don’t know why our brains do this to us?
Flashbacks to moments we cannot hold on to.
Memories so real you can almost touch them.
I cried last night, gut wrenching sobs of missing.
Time really doesn’t ease your pain.
I was so angry, the frustration of being able to do nothing dominated my mind.
Finally I could cry no more, my soul was empty, my tears exhausted.
I know I cannot go back,
so many ways and so much time.
But for that brief moment then I wasn’t broken.
For those few minutes life made sense.