My daughter returns from university today and yes I am so excited to see her.
So why did a friendly comment feel like I had been punched in the stomach?
My friend said “ I bet you are excited to have all the family back together’.
How simple and true is this comment.
Yes i am excited.
But my family will not all be back together.
You see there will always be a missing piece,
An empty place at the table.
A pile of presents that have not been bought.
On Christmas day only three of my girls will be celebrating it here with me.
Heaven holds the celebration for the other.
I want to say that i’m ok about it all, that i can be happy and enjoy the season but I can’t.
The ache in my heart is getting stronger and stronger as we head towards the 25th.
I hate that on Christmas day I have to visit the crematorium, that the only gift I can give to my daughter is flowers on her stone.
I want the air to echo with her laughter, the harmony of my four beautiful girls to play.
Yet all i can hear is the silence of the missing note.
Christmas is a special time of year, I love the wonder of it all.
The excitement that builds in peoples hearts.
The joy of giving , the love that is shared.
Christmas is a time for celebration and I promise I will try.
Still I hope that it will be ok, that sometimes through this season i disappear.
Disappear to a place where i can allow the tears to fall.
Where I can allow the missing to show upon my face.
Because I cannot pretend all the time.
I just don’t have the strength.
I need to give my heart freedom.
Freedom to grieve my beautiful missing daughter.