Have you ever had a day when you woke up full of joy and excitement only for the world to turn dark just moments later.

This was my day 6 years ago.

I woke full excitement for the day ahead.

My daughter was skating in a local competition.

We had hope.

We had happiness.

Then as I walked to the side of my daughters bed my life fell apart.

 

Could I ever describe the fear I felt that morning?

As I placed my hand on her chest.

It was as if right from that moment time slowed down.

 

It seemed like forever for the ambulance to get here though in fact it was only minutes.

The drive to the hospital felt hundreds of miles yet it was only four.

The wait in the relatives room, seemed endless

Then the look on the doctors face.

It said it all.

 

My heart just broke.

My beautiful girl was gone.

Rett syndrome had won.

 

I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling today.

Life changed six years ago in a way I couldn’t have imagined.

I still feel joy now but there is always a part missing.

I am simply incomplete.

 

Yet today as I think back to that terrible day six years ago.

I also think back to the nine and half years before then.

Those precious years where I got to hold all of my four beautiful daughters in my arms.

When I got to tell people I’m a mom of four girls without having to explain why one is missing.

 

 

 

When I got to be Livvy’s mommy.

When I got to hold my baby girl.

 

 

 

I look back to that time with such joy.

Reminding myself through the pain of now,

Of the happiness of then.

 

How blessed I was to be given that cheeky blond haired monster as my daughter.

What a wonderful gift I was given.

 

I hold on to the smell of her deep in my memory.

Recall the wickedness of her laughter.

The softness of her hands.

The curls of her hair.

 

When the coldness of grief hardens my heart.

My memories are the wisps of love that melts it away.

 

I miss my girlie so much.

Even now as I write this the tears fall freely.

The ache of missing is a pain that never subsides.

Yet even in this grief

Even in this pain.

I would do it all again.

For a moment

A second to hold my Olivia again.