I am not a burden

I sat watching the Kerry Katona documentary last night about her journey through life and her bipolar disorder.

I cannot put into words how much it affected me. It wasn’t the bipolar disorder that tore at my heart even though my heart aches for those that suffer with this condition.

No what got me was her feelings regarding her childhood.

Unwanted

Rejected

A burden.

These feelings have left her with a great desire to love and to feel loved.

That is simply my heart.

Thankfully I didn’t have a childhood like Kerry’s but due to divorce and miscommunication and a few other things I never felt wanted.

I never felt good enough.

Now as a 37 year old woman I am still coming to terms with this.

I have craved affection all my life and sometimes made grave mistakes when searching for it in the wrong places. I was erratic as a teenager swinging from the possessive girlfriend to the free spirited couldn’t give a damn wild child. I self medicated with alcohol and drugs just to feel the freedom of not worrying or caring.

It seemed as if i wanted to be wild when all i really wanted was to find home. Trying too hard to be what I believed others wanted me to be.

Still

I am one of the lucky ones,

I got to change my story.

I fell in love with a man who loved me right back crazy bits and all. Even when I pushed away he held on. But it has still taken many years and many late open hearted conversations to get to a place where I can but things in perspective.

I was loved,

Both my parents cared for me but the separation of them led to miscommunication that thankfully my adult years have repaired. The father I never felt good enough for is now my best friend. He is the best Grandad my kids could every ask for and I am so very grateful that I get to call him Dad,

But it is amazing how those emotions we feel as children can and do effect the rest of our life.

I drive my children mad, from the moment they were born they knew they were my everything and I simply hug them to death.

I want for them to never feel unloved or a burden.

I want them to go out confidently in this world knowing that I am behind them all the time.

I am in their corner

I am their fan base.

They are my heart.

 

Now I also want this for myself to.

I want to feel confident when making new friends.

To believe that I am worthy of love.

Childhood is one of the shortest periods in your life but it is one or maybe the most important when dealing with emotional growth.

I believe every child needs to know they are loved.

Maybe this is why I am a foster carer I don’t know.

What I do know is that everyday is an opportunity to let those dearest to you know how very special they are.

I want to break the stereotype of the stiff Brit and become an open and affectionate country.

So do me a favour guys,

If you are parent make sure you children know that they are loved. Praise them more than you scold them.

If you are in a relationship tell you partner how much you love them. Tell them what you find special about them.

Call your parents and remind them how awesome they are.

Ask your work colleague if there is anything you can do to help them.

Smile at a stranger.

Thank the waitress for your order.

Lets make this world one of love, it may sound crazy but I honestly believe a hug can save a life.

So lets get saving lives.

A hug revolution.

hugskisses

 

* I just want to add that I don’t for one second believe a hug could cure Bipolar this isn’t what I’m writing about. If you feel that you are suffering with this illness please seek help and don’t suffer in silence. The charity MIND is a fantastic organisation and are always willing to help.

2 thoughts on “I am not a burden

  1. Nina

    it was very brave of you to put your heartfelt words onto this forum, very brave. But I know that this can be a cathartic process for you too. Yes childhood injuries/bruises (emotional that is) do shape how we function in adult life and too often the person you see is often all too different underneath!!
    Love and Hugs xxxx

    Like

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