So Christmas is upon us and I am going crazy with lists, shopping, concerts, carol services and so much more.

Yet deep in my soul I am aching. Aching so deep the caverns in the earths core know my name.

The missing of Olivia at times is so very overwhelming that I cannot let myself go and fall into the whole spirit of the season.

My joy is tinged with a sadness that will not release me.

I buy presents for four children yet not for my blond haired blue eyes beauty.

I pack stockings but the one baring the name Olivia stays empty.

I’m trying to lift my head and be thankful for the season.

To remember the true reason for this celebration.

The gift of the birth of Jesus.

The hope in that stables birth.

Hope of eternal life.

Hope I can only find in my faith.

Peace in the promise.

Missing Olivia is so hard. Even now five years on the brokenness is so very raw.

I wait for it to become easier but it won’t!

How can it be?

How can my heart ever beat to the same tune of five years past?

How can I ever be the same again?

Will Christmas ever been the same again?

Will anything be the same again?

It cannot be.

Because simply