What is it about October that makes me spiral?

I find myself full of conflicting emotions.

Hope, Grief, Anger, Joy

The roller coaster doesn’t seem to want to stop.

I want to raise awareness about Rett Syndrome, to share with all the hope of the cure.

Yet the stark reality that it is to late for Livvy tears at my heart.

I am so excited about hope then I’m so broken hearted for my loss.

If i was asked to describe how I am feeling right now I think the word I would use is LOST.

I am so lost its crazy.

I don’t feel part of anything anymore. Its as if I’m on the outside looking in.

I don’t know which camp I am in or if I actually want to be in one.

Crazy right ?

This is what October does to me.

Its the step closer to the anniversary of Livvy’s death and I don’t want to go there.

I don’t want November to appear.

I don’t want another year to be added to my missing.

I want hope.

How can I be so conflicted?

How can I want to spread hope when my heart is torn?

Talk of future when she has none.

Still how can I not?

Livvy never gave up.

I cannot let her down.

Doesn’t mean that it not going to hurt like hell though does it?