I had a realisation last night that I had given up on hope.
Hope of peace, hope of friendship and so much more.
I finally understood what my husband had been saying when he tells me I have been holding people at arms length.
Scared to push forward.
I have held back from joining groups.
Stopped taking part.
Just digging deeper into myself.
I had let fear become greater than hope in my heart.
I can blame it on many reasons but i believe the main three to be
Fear of rejection and failure
Self confidence
Self punishment
I am so fearful I will get hurt again that I have closed of my heart.
Scared to live life openly and fully.
Self confidence, when you grow up never feeling good enough it’s a hard journey to get to a point when you can look in the mirror an say “believe”.
Self punishment – I have a lot of baggage here. From a wild youth of drinking, drugs to the blaming myself for losing Livvy. Second guessing decisions that wasn’t mine to make.
I had lost HOPE.
So today I am setting myself on a new path.
One where I start to believe again.
One where I start to trust again.
One where I start to hope again.
Rebel with kindness 
{{{HUGS}}}…distantly of course! So as not to enter a personal space bubble and cause you discomfort! It’s a good place to be…where you are. Because it means that really, you have not lost *all* hope! You can *see* that there is a need to let loose, let go, open up, and take a chance. But man on man…it.is.hard.
I have done the same for 6+ years…ever since the trauma of leaving an insane church and getting hurt :0(. It was a huge, painful loss and so, I struggle trusting that He knows what is best and that sometimes struggles make me rely on Him more. He wants us to trust Him with letting our guard down.
Personally……….I am not a fan :0). I like my walls up…..but He wants them dwon so I am trying to let Him do it by letting Him take one seemingly enormous brick down at a time.
Hang in there. The HOPE you have may have flickered a little, but it has not gone out completely. A spark can start a huge fire!
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