I had a realisation last night that I had given up on hope.
Hope of peace, hope of friendship and so much more.
I finally understood what my husband had been saying when he tells me I have been holding people at arms length.
Scared to push forward.
I have held back from joining groups.
Stopped taking part.
Just digging deeper into myself.
I had let fear become greater than hope in my heart.
I can blame it on many reasons but i believe the main three to be
Fear of rejection and failure
I am so fearful I will get hurt again that I have closed of my heart.
Scared to live life openly and fully.
Self confidence, when you grow up never feeling good enough it’s a hard journey to get to a point when you can look in the mirror an say “believe”.
Self punishment – I have a lot of baggage here. From a wild youth of drinking, drugs to the blaming myself for losing Livvy. Second guessing decisions that wasn’t mine to make.
I had lost HOPE.
So today I am setting myself on a new path.
One where I start to believe again.
One where I start to trust again.
One where I start to hope again.