It happens out of the blue.

One moment I’m fine the next I’m curled up in a ball sobbing my heart out.

Grief is a crazy journey that causes me to feel so lost and disorientated at times.

 

It’s been four and half years yet at times it feels more like four and a half days.

 

I cry out in my dreams as I reach out to touch my beautiful girl and slowly she disappears just out of my grasp.

 

I feel angry, the emptiness that can only be filled by her is raging in my soul.

 

I’m shouting why to the heavens.

 

Why my daughter?

 

Why my livvy ?

 

People tell me I need to move forward.

 

How is that possible when a part of you is in the past?

 

It’s a strange concept

 

I understand life goes on but it feels as if a part of me will be left in 2008 forever.

 

My pillow is wet from tears,

 

The raw aching sobs smothered by the feathers.

 

It hurts

 

That’s all I have at times.

 

It hurts 

 

I have to allow the pain to wash over me.

 

Allow myself to grieve.

 

If I didn’t I would explode

 

Like a ballon being overfilled with gas.

 

You have to loose it otherwise it will go pop.

 

I know I have eternity but right now, right at this moment I am homesick.

 

I close my eyes and allow myself to see her.

 

Allow myself the memories.

 

I watch her YouTube video on silent, not wanting to wake anyone.

 

Not wanting to explain or share.

 

This my time

 

This is me time

 

My Livvy time.