For as long as my mind and my heart knows I have been responsible, but for longer than that I believe I have had a desire to be responsible.
To be able to fix, change, make things right.
But sometimes you can’t and its this knowledge this acceptance I am finally allowing myself this year.
You see if I don’t I will crumble.
It’s like I’ve been using my reserves, the last of my strength for so long that I simply have nothing left.
My health has paid a hefty price.
My heart a lot more.
So 2013 has been a learning curve for me.
I cannot be all things to everyone, it simply isn’t possible.
This doesn’t mean I stop loving people or wishing them well. Of course I do but I have to put certain things first, certain people first.
My beautiful daughters, some may look at them and see happy healthy young ladies and yes they are all that but scratch a little below the surface and you will see three incredible young souls who have faced more heartbreak in their young lives that many will every see in a lifetime.
You will see three overly empathic children who feel the burden of pain for the outside world. Why because they understand, they relate more than they ever should.
You will also see three young ladies in the journey from childhood to adulthood with all the stresses and pain that journey alone can bring.
I want to be their strength, their place of comfort.
My marriage, yes I am blessed with a great guy but together we have been to hell and back. Both so very heartbroken and not knowing how to voice that pain. We have had to take time to remind ourselves of happiness and work on making it happen again.
I want to be the wife this wonderful frustrating man deserves.
My health , stress plays an evil game both on the mind and the body. At times my body feels so battle weary. The chronic pain drives me slowly insane. I need to focus on letting go of the stress and that overload of adrenaline that causes this heart of mine to flutter.
I want to be able to be healthy enough to enjoy life.
My job, I use these words tenderly as my job is maybe one of the best in the world. I have been given the change to love upon a child. To help make a difference. It isn’t easy anyone who has every cared for a special needs child could vouch for this, but it is so very worth it.
I want to keep making that difference.
Myself, for a long time this was where the shortfall would happen. Never giving myself time, never believing in who I am.
This needs to change, to be all of the above I need to love myself more.
I need to allow myself to live my dreams.
I need allow myself time.
So yes it’s been a season of change, but it’s been good. I am finally on the journey to self acceptance.
To look into who I am and say “you know what you are ok”.
To receive a compliment and say “thank you” without the need to lower my head and turn away.
But to continue in this journey I have to make changes, to prioritise.
I remember back in school a teacher telling me that “I couldn’t be everything to everyone”
She was right, though at the time I disagreed I just believed I needed to try harder.
Trying harder isn’t always the answer.
My life lesson.