I’m told its my eyes that tell my story.
A few days ago I had to have my photo took for identity purposes. You know the one where you can not smile or pull funny faces.
I struggled with looking at this photo not just because i hate having photos took of myself but because I couldn’t hide behind my smile. My facade to the world.
This photo rather shocked me as I looked haunted.
A little lost.
You see thinking never really does me any favours.
Well where was I?
Oh that’s right my haunted look.
It was as if my life had left a physical imprint on my soul and of course the eyes being the windows to the soul it was there for all to see.
I realised my identity has changed so much over the years. Not surface things like fashion, hairstyle etc but the roles I play in life.
I’m a wife, I’m a mother
But I’ve also been a mother of a disabled child.
I’ve been the grieving mom of the said disabled child.
I am now a foster carer to a disabled child , a foster mom.
Different roles at different times yet which one left the haunting.
It doesn’t really need a answer does it.
Losing a child is so strange it’s as if life moves forward but a part of you is left in the past.
Haunting the memories.
It’s as if you hold on to the then rather than live in the now without them.
I watched my first Star Trek movie the other night and they were talking about alternative realities and that made sense in a strange way.
It’s not about non acceptance it’s about holding them close and never letting go.
I believe all of us have a haunting.
A moment in time which we can never let go.
A time in your life which shaped who you are today.
I see my life as a jigsaw I was born complete but through life I have lost or left pieces behind in different places and at different times. I won’t be complete again until eternity.
But that’s ok.
I think this is what makes us human the ability to connect to form bonds.
The courage to give away pieces of ourselves.
So a jigsaw am I.
Or as my husband says missing a few pieces ha ha.