Today you would have been 14.

We would be all gathered together as a family to celebrate your special day. Spoiling you with attention and of course lots of gifts.

Yet we can’t.

Instead there will be an empty place at the table and all that we have to hold on to are our memories.

Each with a moment,

a memory, a gift that we cherish.

I confess I’m angry that I can only visit your grave today.

That I cannot hold your hand or stroke your beautiful blond hair. To twist one of those cute little curls around my finger.

To hold you close and share those light butterfly kisses.

It hurts,

I want to sing happy birthday to you and get to watch your eyes shine with laughter.

I want to watch you rip off the paper from your presents with impatience and excitement.

14 years old

I often wonder what you look like now.

How have you aged?

Is your hair still as curly as it was or has in grown down long and straight.

I wonder what you would have enjoyed if you were here, would you be a one direction fan? knowing you It would more likely be Paramour or the script. You loved the beat of rock music. Guns n roses were your favourite.

I can imagine you in band tops joining me in the love of anything gothic.

How I wish , how I wonder.

Its breaking my heart today, you should be here blowing out your candles. Trying to grab the biggest piece of cake. Loving all the attention this special day brings.

I know you would be cross at my sadness,

But my beautiful girl I miss you so much.

I’m angry that I have only had 9 of the 14 years.

Losing you is a pain like no other, a knife in my heart forever being twisted deeper.

I take your balloons, your flowers to your grave and the knife goes deeper.

But I think of you dear Olivia, I remember your courage your true audacity to never give in.

I close my eyes and hear you whisper on the wind.

I’m here mom, I’m playing with the balloons and smelling the flowers.

I’m here mom, by your side everyday.

Dry those tears mom, listen to my laughter as it carries on the breeze,

Feel my love wrap around you in the warmth of the sun.

I’m not gone, I’m just out of sight for a while.

Hold on mom, please hold on to my spirit and my strength.

I close my eyes

I feel you in the sun and I wrap myself up in the breeze.

You are my heart and as long as it beats you are with me.

I miss you sweet Olivia.

Happy heavenly birthday

14 today,

I love you to the moon stars and back again xxxxx