I wonder if i live in a permanent state of denial. Simply the refusal to accept.
I know that one day I will see my daughter again but the truth is i have another lifetime to live without her.
Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense, I want to line up the facts and some how, someway find a reason for her loss.
But the equation has no value.
Rett syndrome doesn’t always mean death.
So sometimes I pretend
I dive into the world of make believe.
I imagine her at school, playing with her friends, ignoring the requests of her teachers.
I can picture her in detail even down to the remnants of her dinner of her blouse collar.
Her sweet smile lighting up the classroom, her teachers trying so hard to be stern but giving in to the mischievous grin she shows them.
Her hands, her smooth soft hands, clapping in eager anticipation.
Whatever you call it for me that split second is my stairway to heaven.
My gateway to my daughter.
My dive into eternity.