I was reading this post by Bonnie Grey over at Incourage and was really struck by her words.
You see Bonnie had realised that she had got a high tolerance for pain both physically and emotionally and that she had issues she had buried deep within , ( go read the post, as Bonnie explains herself so much better than I could. I would do an injustice to her words).
Anyway after reading this post I realised something, Pain is something I too have just to have learned to live with, to just tolerate. In fact I was only over at the Dr’s a few weeks ago and actually found myself in a position of being told off in a kind caring way. It seems that I have just accepted the pain my condition causes and don’t recognise when there is something new going on. He told me pain was our body’s warning system. By ignoring it I didn’t allow my body to warn me I was heading towards pleurisy.
Pain as a warning system, I had never considered that. When we feel physical pain it’s a sign that something is wrong within your body, be it a broken bone, a chest infection, or something worse.
I have spent some time thinking over this since the doctors appointment but I was just really focusing on the physical where the truth for me is that this could well be said for my emotional pain too.
I think my tolerance levels for emotional pain started to rise when Livvy went through the regression, I had no idea what was happening to my beautiful baby girl but I knew no matter how much it was hurting inside I had to just press forward and care for her and to protect her. Then when the diagnoses’ came it was a situation that I just had to face and move forward. Burying the pain deeper and deeper inside.
Life was a gift and we had to make the most of it, no time to face the pain of the why’s and why nots. This was the hand we had been dealt we just had to learn to play the game.
Then Livvy died and my heart broke but still pain was something one just had to tolerate, her sisters needed me. I couldn’t allow the pain to overwhelm me, I had to teach her sisters that life could still be fun, that they needed to laugh and love just like Livvy would have wanted them to.
The pain was there of course, like a heavy weight tied to my soul. The brave face exhausted me at times. ” I’m fine ” became my byline.
But of course I’m wasn’t fine, I’m not fine, I have to allow myself to slowly release the pain I have buried deep inside. It’s not easy, I’ve been holding on to it for nearly 11 years now. Maybe little bits have drifted out like steam escaping to stop the pot from boiling over.
I need to learn to recognise the pain now to allow myself to feel. Because this isn’t just about the experience of pain it’s about the experiencing the joy too.
Because if you can’t feel one can you really feel the other?
Can you appreciate happiness if you have never know sadness?
Can you enjoy the light if you have never faced the dark?
I’m not sure, what I do know is that I’m in a place where I feel I can let it out. I know I can trust my pain to others that care.
I know that I’m not on this journey alone and when I feel weak, others will be my strength.
I just have to trust and allow myself to open my heart and say ” you know what today I’m not fine, today it hurts”.
The truth is I have to let the pain out so I can remember the joy and to feel new joy.
Allowing myself to heal so that I may start to really feel.
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis