I sat there alone basking in the irony.
Here I was watching a conference on community, hearing stories of wonderful God blessed friendships, of lives fulfilled by the roles they play as the friend.
I wondered as I logged in, why am I doing this to myself, am I just torturing my soul? Doesn’t it ache enough?
The videos began to play and my heart began to search, my heart began to listen, then finally it began to hear.
In these stories I had found home, my hurts, my pain. The soul tearing I had felt wasn’t just mine to own. These ladies too had feared community, feared stepping out, felt alone within a crowd.
How can these videos effect me so much, why are these stories resonating through my whole, why oh why are the tears falling down my face?
Because they speak the truth, they guide me towards what the heart knows but the head was refusing to accept. I am afraid, I am fearful, I am scared.
Friendship is a word that reaches into my body and stopped the blood from pouring into my heart. It leaves me cold.
I’ve tried it once before and it failed miserably, women I walked along side left when the road got rocky and obstacles stood in the way. I didn’t help, I don’t help. I didn’t cry out please don’t leave me, I too just stopped returning calls or making invitations.
Seasons of life,
I’ve heard this said before but had I let the understanding, the acceptance soothe my soul as the healing balm it could be.
My answer is simply no!
I’m not new to the stories I’m hearing , I have followed the writings over the past year or so.
But have I been reading but not understanding?
YES
Have the words really penetrated the walls that I have surrounded my heart with.
NO
The excuses got in there first, “They have it all together” “I could never write like that” “or maybe its different in America” are just a few that I resurrect each time the words got too close.
Raising my shield against stories, against the truth.
Reading in-courage but having none.
Lying to myself about acceptance of a life alone. “Hey I don’t need friendship”, “I have great kids a wonderful husband” etc etc lies told to my own heart.
Ignoring the passages of God’s word where he calls us together to be a fellowship, to be all parts of the one body of Christ.
That can’t be for me, Ive tried it once, it just isn’t me, it wont work out.
Yet here I was signing up to watch the conference!
From the moment I pressed play I wasn’t alone, I felt the love of God surround me, Jesus was crying out to my heart, please listen,this is what I want for you.
Friends are my gifts to you, they are the physical beings of my love. Open your heart dear child, let them in.
You have never been alone and you are so loved. Please step out in-courage.
Rebel with kindness 
This was a wonderful post! I’m still watching the videos from yesterday. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a Saturday meet-up, but the videos have touched my heart as they did yours! Blessings to you!
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I watched them yesterday and today, and feel like i wish we could save them and give myself a reminder now and again.
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It’s powerful to hear that we are so not alone in feeling like this – it’s not different in America 🙂 We are all broken, and all hurt, and in need of healing.
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I know in my heart that its not different anyway, we all are broken in our own ways. I just have to find the courage to open my heart again.
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Wow, this was beautiful and saw heartfelt and raw. It really touched me because I think we all have been there, and this conference has also taught us that this alone place can sometimes feel like its closing in on us. So glad you enjoyed the conference.
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Thank you honey,your kind words meant a lot. It is my heart out there, i was frightened but stepped out in- courage
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Oh my, this was a beauty to read:
“From the moment I pressed play I wasn’t alone, I felt the love of God surround me, Jesus was crying out to my heart, please listen,this is what I want for you. ”
I’m so thrilled that Jesus was able to wrap you in His arms this weekend. This conference was for you. For the women who wonder how to connect, for the women who aren’t sure about community – He wanted us to do this un-conference so you would be absolutely assured that He loves you and built you for community and will walk with you into it!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It is a gift.
~Lisa-Jo
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Thank you so much for commenting. The conference is the gift that keeps on giving. My heart is being restored thanks to you and incourage.
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I agree with Lisa-Jo. Thanks so much for sharing your story and joining us. Trust me, it’s the same in America, and we are just so thrilled that we can journey this together, even though the miles separate.
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Thank you so much, you were truly beautiful to watch on the videos. The way you open your heart and your home inspires me.
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As I was watching over the weekend I was praying for YOU – I just didn’t know it! I was praying for anyone watching alone that they would feel included not excluded.
Thanks for sharing
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It was strange as i did feel completely surrounded by love, but our God is good x
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Oh my…this is so beautiful because it is so raw and honest. I was praying for you last night (@Mom2VandA on twitter) and thinking this morning, “I wonder how she is doing…if she took that step of faith to be IN courage IN Christ?” and here it is. I was watching alone too, but I’ve been blessed with community here and it just reminded me about how important those in real life friendships are…but when I saw you reaching out on Twitter I just knew God wanted me to be there for you. And it reminded me of those seasons in my own life when I’ve felt alone and broken. I’m continuing to pray that God would heal your hurts and bring you real life community. ((hugs)) and love to you, sweet sister.
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Thank you for being so transparent. We I wrote my post, about being alone, I had a feeling there were others out there like me. Don’t you just love how after only a few minutes of watching you didn’t feel so alone anymore. God is doing some great things through this event.
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It was incredible how the videos just embraced us all in love.
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