Today is my birthday.

How different it is when you get older. Birthdays becomes less pretty and sparkly and more practical.

To be truthful, I’m not really keen on my birthday. It’s not the getting older that stresses me, just the memories of birthdays gone past.

Growing up money was tight, I have some memories, some good some bad.

I remember my 8th birthday vividly I had one of those plastic handbags and a fame outfit. I was so proud of that purple skirt and top. I danced for hours believing in the dream. I was so excited to be going to school to tell all my friends about my special day. Then my mom called me closer, “Measles” no school today. My birthday was on the Wednesday and as the week progressed by Friday I was diagnosed with German measles and the mumps. My goodness I was poorly.

So birthdays were days that came and went, my 18th was spent drunk for a week,on my 21st I was pregnant and married.

Then they began to change as my children got older the excitement returned as I celebrated my day through their eyes. The morning ritual of being woken with bouncing children on my bed. Presents and cards being thrust eagerly into my hands. Chorus’ of happy birthday ringing throughout the house.
Livvy screaming with excitement grasping at my gifts to rip the wrapping paper. Brodie trying her hardest to place them out of her reach.

Laughter returned to my day, their joy was the biggest and best birthday gift I can ask for.

Yet today is my fourth birthday without Livvy. Somehow we are struggling to bring back the sparkle to the day. We will work our way through the motions all so aware of the empty space on the bed and un ripped gifts.

So strange

So silent

So lost.

I will smile and enjoy my girls today. Cherish the love and kisses they will bestow on me. Open their gifts with the excitement they deserve.

I promise I will try.

Yet as they say, it’s the elephant in the room that tears at my heart.

I close my eyes and hear her sweet giggles and know kisses are being sent from heaven and one day our birthdays with be celebrated together again.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away- Unknown